on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus
29 Jul 2004, 3:45 PM
Nicely done!
on some deleted poem
29 Jul 2004, 5:58 AM
I wish it was worse, so I could be clever and say:
"you need a poem" - there, I said it.
But as it is, nice work. Maybe one extra line between "them?" and "Peck"? And too many ands?
"you need a poem" - there, I said it.
But as it is, nice work. Maybe one extra line between "them?" and "Peck"? And too many ands?
on Bad animal limericks by INTRANSIT
26 Jul 2004, 7:54 AM
how sad. how very sad... :)
on Untitled. by SupremeDreamer
28 Jul 2004, 6:40 AM
probably the most aptly "untitled" titled poem I've seen. Maybe it re-states itself once or twice too much - but somehow, that seems appropriate.
on A Forever Splintered Heart by MacFrantic
27 Jul 2004, 10:52 AM
this style always strikes me as little "list-like" as I have trouble with the line-to-line transitions. One gets the sense the lines exist solely to rhyme.
the fourth ("Neon...") stanza works pretty well I think, no?
A tough genre to break new ground with though.
the fourth ("Neon...") stanza works pretty well I think, no?
A tough genre to break new ground with though.
on Brats by D. $ Fontera
27 Jul 2004, 11:00 AM
pretty catchy, really. I think the last stanza brings it down a notch though. What else might go there?
a fun piece.
a fun piece.
on Cranberry shoes by INTRANSIT
27 Jul 2004, 11:08 AM
a good read. the sentence with the carbon dating is a bit bloody though - I think you could easily fix it up.
Focusing more there on the stars' ability to inform Pomma of his mothers death might help that second part, too.
Focusing more there on the stars' ability to inform Pomma of his mothers death might help that second part, too.
on The Annual January Thaw by Dovina
27 Jul 2004, 1:12 PM
I must be one of those embittered stoics.
I remember hiking, not in January (May I think), when there was no snow at the bottom of the mountain so I wore hi-tops on a whim - mistake since I was soon tramping through snow...
crappy snow. Good poem.
I remember hiking, not in January (May I think), when there was no snow at the bottom of the mountain so I wore hi-tops on a whim - mistake since I was soon tramping through snow...
crappy snow. Good poem.
on Respect on a Quiet Hillside by Dovina
26 Jul 2004, 6:10 AM
interesting location and motivation - no judgement implied; the poem stands out because of it.
on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus
27 Jul 2004, 3:28 AM
kill the refrain at least, I think - and "just", ghost line is very nice.
on some deleted poem
27 Jul 2004, 3:32 AM
I know the feeling. Baggage.
ending cadence works well.
ending cadence works well.
on some deleted poem
19 Jul 2004, 7:25 PM
okay, I took a few translational liberties - sue me, it rhymes better this way :O)
on I'll Make It Through by cuddlytiger17
16 Jul 2004, 7:03 PM
Very nice meter, though I'd re-touch the end of the first line of stanza two.
The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it.
If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else.
Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it.
If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else.
Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
on some deleted poem
15 Jul 2004, 6:23 AM
How's that whole "better man" thing workin for ya?
God is watching, my friend - God is watching.
God is watching, my friend - God is watching.
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2004, 7:38 AM
Apparently - there is a cure for poison ivy around here that is made from "sweet fern tea".
(haven't tried it myself though)
(haven't tried it myself though)
on Searching by dougsoderstrom
11 Jul 2004, 7:02 PM
This question of faith is unsolvable by definition - save yourself the trouble and just wait and see.
When your heart stops sending blood to your human brain, you will know all you need to know.
When your heart stops sending blood to your human brain, you will know all you need to know.
on The Ladies and the Bum by Dovina
10 Jul 2004, 6:15 AM
try: "(I usually spend the night there)"
"but strong to pull up her" is awkward, D. Is the lawn powerful enought to earn a capital?
"if she leaves it unsecured" can go.
Interesting stacato cadence - intentional?
"but strong to pull up her" is awkward, D. Is the lawn powerful enought to earn a capital?
"if she leaves it unsecured" can go.
Interesting stacato cadence - intentional?
on some deleted poem
10 Jul 2004, 6:17 AM
nice title.
I'd rather see it left after "...can."; the rest is a chewey burrito of suspect ingredient.
I'd rather see it left after "...can."; the rest is a chewey burrito of suspect ingredient.