on some deleted poem
1 Aug 2004, 2:12 PM
"Like I remember John Lennon's music and
Forget Yoko."
that's a great line.
and the last one too.
Forget Yoko."
that's a great line.
and the last one too.
on The Reason by frdup717
31 Jul 2004, 7:37 PM
you aint sposed to vote on yer own stuff, FR!
Has a 50's lyrical quality to it, and despite the indentations and easy sentiment, I like it.
Has a 50's lyrical quality to it, and despite the indentations and easy sentiment, I like it.
on GONE by gayguy2005
1 Aug 2004, 2:08 PM
you are = you're
pretend that for every comma, you will loose 10 readers; take them all out and put them back where they are really, really needed.
Unless you are Kirk, then have at it.
pretend that for every comma, you will loose 10 readers; take them all out and put them back where they are really, really needed.
Unless you are Kirk, then have at it.
on THE BLOBBY QUIZ?? by MR Blobby
1 Aug 2004, 2:11 PM
The marketing campaign is working, I think. I hate you less and less.
But is your keyboard broken or something?
But is your keyboard broken or something?
on Poem #9 by katinchina
1 Aug 2004, 2:04 PM
a prepositional phrase slugfest. Should you try to cut down on that one thing, your poems will be better for it.
I want to use my other standard line about showing not telling, but then I'd start to sound rude. Can't have that.
I like the idea, btw, of painting this generic but lovely picture, then exposing a specific memorable element - but the rest of this is distracting me.
I want to use my other standard line about showing not telling, but then I'd start to sound rude. Can't have that.
I like the idea, btw, of painting this generic but lovely picture, then exposing a specific memorable element - but the rest of this is distracting me.
on some deleted poem
29 Jul 2004, 3:52 PM
Strange, but nicely voiced.
on The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus
29 Jul 2004, 5:53 PM
Maybe too cryptic. I can see how it might cathartic somehow, but - "what's in it for me?"
"audible hint of condemnation"... what is that, exactly?
Interesting even after my gripes, has a nice cadence - I just want it to mean something without too much trouble (some, is fine).
"audible hint of condemnation"... what is that, exactly?
Interesting even after my gripes, has a nice cadence - I just want it to mean something without too much trouble (some, is fine).
on I Dream..... by frdup717
29 Jul 2004, 6:19 PM
"and of your beauty and grace."
meter needs tweekin, maybe... :
"your beauty and your grace"
Good for what it is.
meter needs tweekin, maybe... :
"your beauty and your grace"
Good for what it is.
I try to make my own conclusions without reading the other comments, but I share Dovina's unease with "chimera".
Having trouble with the disparity it implies, because I don't see it in the action. And the only link I see with the beak is with the color partially matching the flames breathed by that mythical beast - but that is a longshot at best. Fire/Water disparity?? - I actually wouldn't be too surprised if *you* were going for that (and that is meant as a compliment).
Otherwise, its a soothing piece. Mellow with an interesting but not startling turn. "plumped tail" is very nice. Don't know what would work better than "lob", maybe "float" for several reasons you can probably see for yourself. But lob works well too.
Having trouble with the disparity it implies, because I don't see it in the action. And the only link I see with the beak is with the color partially matching the flames breathed by that mythical beast - but that is a longshot at best. Fire/Water disparity?? - I actually wouldn't be too surprised if *you* were going for that (and that is meant as a compliment).
Otherwise, its a soothing piece. Mellow with an interesting but not startling turn. "plumped tail" is very nice. Don't know what would work better than "lob", maybe "float" for several reasons you can probably see for yourself. But lob works well too.
on The Secret by nentwined
31 Dec 2004, 6:40 AM
Do I agree with the premise? I agree we made gods, but as for the reason - we'd have to agree on a definition of an adult.
I put this in the category of "thoughts that might turn into poems".
I put this in the category of "thoughts that might turn into poems".
Well, I really thought you was a goil. Maybe you are doing a perspective thing (sometimes I pretend I'm human). I think you have to be a goil.
So. As it is then. Having trouble finding its mission, and if I have then it was found by the end of the second stanza.
Made me consider it though, without hesitation.
So. As it is then. Having trouble finding its mission, and if I have then it was found by the end of the second stanza.
Made me consider it though, without hesitation.
on some deleted poem
31 Dec 2004, 10:27 AM
This is very aptly put : "And because that other fool".
Nice one.
Might want to consider loosing that third "together"?
Nice one.
Might want to consider loosing that third "together"?
on Below Tide by D. $ Fontera
1 Jan 2005, 7:44 PM
A nice sentiment. Hard to make an emotional dent in an event of such scope.
on The wreck of a Memphis-Atlanta Greyhound by zodiac
2 Jan 2005, 6:52 AM
Nicely done. I feel like it ended a little bit like the thought was pushed through a steel mesh somehow.
And the use of "akimbo" completely pulled me out of what was a very nice and interest-keeping ride.
I have no suggestion on how to fix that ending, so I leave it in your capable hands.
And the use of "akimbo" completely pulled me out of what was a very nice and interest-keeping ride.
I have no suggestion on how to fix that ending, so I leave it in your capable hands.
on No More Autumn Poems (Edit) by Sasha
2 Jan 2005, 9:43 AM
First stanza, about one extra word per line.
that
and
I see
-
"about to die" s/b "who's dying" so you can make the rhyming line "leaving branches drying"
First line of last stanza - rough. last line, need something before "requiem".
Pretty damn close to very good (otherwise I wouldn't bother, friend).
that
and
I see
-
"about to die" s/b "who's dying" so you can make the rhyming line "leaving branches drying"
First line of last stanza - rough. last line, need something before "requiem".
Pretty damn close to very good (otherwise I wouldn't bother, friend).
on Math Poem 3 by Dovina
2 Jan 2005, 9:44 AM
Given Zodiac's change - quite excellent.
on Dear Will, by DarkThirteens
2 Jan 2005, 11:57 AM
Actually has a sweat flow - was put off by two things though: "arouhd" (around), "and fill me full of fear" is a bit of an overstatement, considering you have the two lines above it. Yes, I know you need the rhyme, so get rid of one of those others (prolly "you scare...").
Slight annoyance is that I wouldn't normally pronounce "Lea" to rhyme with "me".
still - feels good.
Slight annoyance is that I wouldn't normally pronounce "Lea" to rhyme with "me".
still - feels good.
on Thoughts for Later (v3) by nentwined
2 Jan 2005, 12:53 PM
sure, I like it.
I posted this before I crashed for the night and wake up to - yikes - seven votes? And some very nice comments too.
Thanks!!
purty kewl.