on Betwixt and In Between by dougsoderstrom
2 Jan 2005, 3:44 PM
Doing nothing is always an option.
It made me consider Frost's poem, and how it would be different if he had actually taken neither road. I think it would pretty much end in the first stanza.
*Eventually* you gotta do something, even if it is "went back the way I came".
And what the heck did you do to piss off Zodiac? I think he's just jealous.
It made me consider Frost's poem, and how it would be different if he had actually taken neither road. I think it would pretty much end in the first stanza.
*Eventually* you gotta do something, even if it is "went back the way I came".
And what the heck did you do to piss off Zodiac? I think he's just jealous.
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2005, 3:47 PM
Not too shabby, really. a bit of teen angst, sure - a tad pimply (a tad...) but well metered.
Thats a crapload of knives though.
Thats a crapload of knives though.
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2005, 6:29 PM
(that was me). We need more of this shit.
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2005, 6:32 PM
Nice title. And a pretty wonderful piece...
tweakable: "--why, if I had toast instead of family
then christmas would pass quite crunchily"
tweakable: "--why, if I had toast instead of family
then christmas would pass quite crunchily"
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2005, 6:43 PM
Day 72: Wooden boy makes a useful bed. If only I could get him to tell the truth then quickly tell a lie a little more often.
8, because I don't get the thing with the blowhole.
8, because I don't get the thing with the blowhole.
on Rebirth by Beyond_Dreams
3 Jan 2005, 8:50 AM
There is quite a bit there. I'd like to see some stanza breaks.
And as one example, you tell me "my old feeble body" - I rather get that from the rest, or should.
Telling me the same thing several times in standard ways, is not nearly as effective as telling me once - but in a memorable way.
Having said that, I think this is a notch or so above average; some good vocab. It could pretty easily be more - might even be a two or more poems in here.
And as one example, you tell me "my old feeble body" - I rather get that from the rest, or should.
Telling me the same thing several times in standard ways, is not nearly as effective as telling me once - but in a memorable way.
Having said that, I think this is a notch or so above average; some good vocab. It could pretty easily be more - might even be a two or more poems in here.
on some deleted poem
3 Jan 2005, 8:48 PM
A good story. Is it really that bad? I'm here in the land of Hampshire the New, where we have a thing called snow. How would they in LA like some of that I wonder?
on the nature of our stillborn by Crakyamuni
4 Jan 2005, 8:31 AM
Well. Very nice, except I could do without the refrain - and this line:
"Don't smile and laugh, it's distance" - comes off as a concession to rhyme.
btw, as to the content (versus the form) - the message is that you were almost certainly trying to both love *and* be clever. At least to be clever.
I want to give this a nine, but that list bit keeps me from it.
"Don't smile and laugh, it's distance" - comes off as a concession to rhyme.
btw, as to the content (versus the form) - the message is that you were almost certainly trying to both love *and* be clever. At least to be clever.
I want to give this a nine, but that list bit keeps me from it.
on The Snowcone Man by Zalev
4 Jan 2005, 8:37 AM
a well made Acrostic to be sure - barely forced at all, really - okay, the "D" is forced. Maybe
"Death took the snowconeman, and my smile." -
or "Death took the snowconeman and he took my smile." - something like that?
and try "You want buy one?", he'd..." (should at least be in quotes).
Either way, nicely done, and an acrostic to boot.
"Death took the snowconeman, and my smile." -
or "Death took the snowconeman and he took my smile." - something like that?
and try "You want buy one?", he'd..." (should at least be in quotes).
Either way, nicely done, and an acrostic to boot.
on Mystery Stranger by Zalev
4 Jan 2005, 8:42 AM
capitalize "[L]ord", I think.
Another unforced acrostic, nice - though I liked the other better (this one has a less flowing feel; more list-like, which is especially bad in an acrostic).
Another unforced acrostic, nice - though I liked the other better (this one has a less flowing feel; more list-like, which is especially bad in an acrostic).
on The Christ Omelette by horus8
5 Jan 2005, 6:53 AM
Crazy in all the right places.
on Both Sided Acrostic by Bhaskaryya
5 Jan 2005, 8:19 AM
(parallel acrostic) Hey! not bad at all.
couple gotchas in there "A Ordeal" s/b "An Ordeal" so you'll likely have to play with that again.
and "Yarns" is a sticking point.
But still - good and interesting work.
couple gotchas in there "A Ordeal" s/b "An Ordeal" so you'll likely have to play with that again.
and "Yarns" is a sticking point.
But still - good and interesting work.
on Math Poem 3 by Dovina
6 Jan 2005, 9:43 AM
You generated alot of interest in this one, D - nice work.
on The Toilet Paper Tumbles by PsydewaysTears
6 Jan 2005, 9:47 AM
reminds me of meatball I once knew.
on some deleted poem
6 Jan 2005, 12:32 PM
on War Story by dougsoderstrom
6 Jan 2005, 4:21 PM
kindof amazed that there are so many workable rhymes for "for" (I think you forgot "two-dollar whore")
on Johnny football painter by Crakyamuni
6 Jan 2005, 11:22 PM
carnivorous
irreparably
and, what the hell, tremulant... I like the word - I don't like it there. Maybe if I knew your work better I could more easily accept the reach of it.
It has a nice feel/flavor to it overall, though.
irreparably
and, what the hell, tremulant... I like the word - I don't like it there. Maybe if I knew your work better I could more easily accept the reach of it.
It has a nice feel/flavor to it overall, though.
on some deleted poem
8 Jan 2005, 11:47 AM
very cute except for the last last bit. Fell apart at sowed...
dimples? that's not what came to mind. Either way, a good message.