on Runaway by Cairsten
10 Jan 2005, 7:21 PM
surprised u haven't gotten more play on this.
on some deleted poem
11 Jan 2005, 2:24 PM
Interesting idea, the rythm of it kept me going - but to what end?
A bit of a let down - needs a hook consistent with the ambiguity theme.
A bit of a let down - needs a hook consistent with the ambiguity theme.
on The Wall is Crying by daggatolar
11 Jan 2005, 2:26 PM
As an excercise try to take out exactly half the words - gives you something like fourty to work with.
Try it.
Try it.
on some deleted poem
12 Jan 2005, 6:11 AM
Could probably do without stating the obvious last line.
Actually.
Probably the whole last third. A good idea, if overwrought.
Actually.
Probably the whole last third. A good idea, if overwrought.
on Empty Expressions, Watching You by cuddlytiger17
8 Jan 2005, 7:22 PM
Great Job.
Quite nice. A good sign is that I fairly quickly moved past the form of the poem (although the comma's are slightly... distracting - at least a learning curve) right to the content.
I found this interesting, "I fumbled with childhood doors/As firmly shut against me as she is" yet in both cases (the door and the girl) you have the keys in your mouth.
An enjoyable, mature piece.
I found this interesting, "I fumbled with childhood doors/As firmly shut against me as she is" yet in both cases (the door and the girl) you have the keys in your mouth.
An enjoyable, mature piece.
on Justin by smellycat541@
11 Jan 2005, 2:42 PM
silly, cute. have a nine.
on The Poet's Plight by dougsoderstrom
11 Jan 2005, 2:31 PM
ars poetica, eh? Tough ground, tough ground because there is, imho, an expectation of artfulness in the expression. This one, while not breaking any new, has some nice moments.
I was struck recently by the thought, "it doesn't matter how hard you cried when you wrote it - it don't make it good".
This one though, aint bad.
I was struck recently by the thought, "it doesn't matter how hard you cried when you wrote it - it don't make it good".
This one though, aint bad.
on spiritually driven by Crakyamuni
11 Jan 2005, 10:42 AM
I like the language, but it's plagued a little by some grammar/syntax issues and it looses something with concessions to rhyme and format. Easily fixed all, I think.
Starts with "fundamental" - I want it to be "fundamentally" but it could really be that you meant it as "fundamental" - EXCept then I see the "were" which certainly should be "we're", the the un-need "being" in "being constructed", some extra commas and I come to "together we loot", "[together we] death" so I start to doubt the correctness of "fundamental" all the more.
I'd like to see a version without all the indentations since it tends to be a distraction if the thing isn't *perfectly clear* to begin with.
The last seven lines are nice and clean, a little messy just above it (the stealth line seems very forced for ("wealth")).
Pretty close, pretty close.
Starts with "fundamental" - I want it to be "fundamentally" but it could really be that you meant it as "fundamental" - EXCept then I see the "were" which certainly should be "we're", the the un-need "being" in "being constructed", some extra commas and I come to "together we loot", "[together we] death" so I start to doubt the correctness of "fundamental" all the more.
I'd like to see a version without all the indentations since it tends to be a distraction if the thing isn't *perfectly clear* to begin with.
The last seven lines are nice and clean, a little messy just above it (the stealth line seems very forced for ("wealth")).
Pretty close, pretty close.
on My nieghborhood(1) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
11 Jan 2005, 2:20 PM
yeah, this needs to be longer.
And consider something else besides the hours/devours couplet.
good stuff.
And consider something else besides the hours/devours couplet.
good stuff.
on some deleted poem
11 Jan 2005, 2:22 PM
I just can't get into the turnip thing - this doesn't make me sympathize with them, or care, somehow.
Might make a good childrens book?
Might make a good childrens book?
on I love by Leigha Browning
11 Jan 2005, 2:44 PM
turn each stanza into a poem then call back.
on some deleted poem
12 Jan 2005, 6:37 AM
Really like the first bit with the hand/understand, corn/dawn; and the charred angels. It needs more of those more subtle rhymes like corn/dawn.
Subjects like loss or rejection, in particular, can sound trite pretty quickly when hard and exact rhymes are used.
then
I'm put off a bit by the multiple use of the cloud/shroud partnering, and the loss metaphors are laid on fairly thick.
Give me one or two nicely worked and fresh images rather than five or six overcooked ones.
anyway, still shows promise and I can easily see why you want to keep working on it.
Subjects like loss or rejection, in particular, can sound trite pretty quickly when hard and exact rhymes are used.
then
I'm put off a bit by the multiple use of the cloud/shroud partnering, and the loss metaphors are laid on fairly thick.
Give me one or two nicely worked and fresh images rather than five or six overcooked ones.
anyway, still shows promise and I can easily see why you want to keep working on it.
on Nectar of Infinity by MacFrantic
12 Jan 2005, 2:00 PM
nice
on Untitled 18 by PopoyMola
11 Jan 2005, 2:50 PM
"clairaudience" - thank you, good word.
"hearing [a] sound[s] that linger[s]" you are allowed one "s"
"condole" while a word, is awkward here (console).
haunter - unusual, and usualy apostrophied.
well. it's very heavy in vocab, and the subject is done and done and done - but somehow this rises a bit above the usual ... crap, for lack of a better word.
Another example of, "in the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king".
You get an 8 for making me go to the web 3 times to look things up.
"hearing [a] sound[s] that linger[s]" you are allowed one "s"
"condole" while a word, is awkward here (console).
haunter - unusual, and usualy apostrophied.
well. it's very heavy in vocab, and the subject is done and done and done - but somehow this rises a bit above the usual ... crap, for lack of a better word.
Another example of, "in the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king".
You get an 8 for making me go to the web 3 times to look things up.
on Winds Cakel by nothingtoanyone
11 Jan 2005, 8:58 PM
cackel
v : make a cackling sound; "The fire cackled cozily"
--------------------------
v. healed, heal·ing, heals
v. tr.
To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure.
To set right; repair: healed the rift between us.
To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.
v. intr.
To become whole and sound; return to health
(not heeled)
v : make a cackling sound; "The fire cackled cozily"
--------------------------
v. healed, heal·ing, heals
v. tr.
To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure.
To set right; repair: healed the rift between us.
To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.
v. intr.
To become whole and sound; return to health
(not heeled)
on some deleted poem
11 Jan 2005, 9:01 PM
re "fobbish" - I think u mean
fop·pish ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fpsh)
adj.
Of, relating to, or characteristic of a fop; dandified
fobbish... aint n'er heard of it.
---
Reeks of English as a second language, humble apologies if this is true.
fop·pish ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fpsh)
adj.
Of, relating to, or characteristic of a fop; dandified
fobbish... aint n'er heard of it.
---
Reeks of English as a second language, humble apologies if this is true.
on medieval myth by ThePariahDog
11 Jan 2005, 9:08 PM
"sole" - do you mean that one, as "sole survivor" - or do you mean soul - like "heart and soul"?
Parts of this sound like an explosion in a thesaurus factory.
Parts of this sound like an explosion in a thesaurus factory.
on some deleted poem
11 Jan 2005, 9:11 PM
Reads like a parts list for a dragon story, not a poem. Forgive my bluntness, but you are telling the whole thing away.
on Veins by helenwales
11 Jan 2005, 9:19 PM
"thud" implies a kind of finality - at least to me, as in it was the last heartbeat. I know, you say "metronome" later - too late.
"Faith in god, in breathing while you're asleep" does this mean god is allowing his lungs (diaphram) to contract and expand? And if this were the case, I would think such a generous entity would deserve a big "G" at least.
Can't quite get a grip on this one's meaning - could be the several metaphors - nest/nature, metronome/music, goe/religion, root/no idea. vein/medicine.
A riddle of some kind? Thinking... is this the famous egg of the Jesus Omelette??!
"Faith in god, in breathing while you're asleep" does this mean god is allowing his lungs (diaphram) to contract and expand? And if this were the case, I would think such a generous entity would deserve a big "G" at least.
Can't quite get a grip on this one's meaning - could be the several metaphors - nest/nature, metronome/music, goe/religion, root/no idea. vein/medicine.
A riddle of some kind? Thinking... is this the famous egg of the Jesus Omelette??!