on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2004, 6:50 AM
Igao walang kang diti, anak ka nang puta.
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2004, 6:59 AM
"has become" should be "becomes"; that sentence is already complicated enough without the presentperfect or whatever it's called. I like the pause in "blusher, or play," but a comma isn't the way to do it. I think it should be a dash or line-break. And do you think puffer-fish and trout hold together?
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2004, 7:03 AM
;
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2004, 4:19 PM
Above/loves. Suggested revise:
"She sucks me, fucks me, leaves me there,
In a harness as she fists (or gloves) me."
"She sucks me, fucks me, leaves me there,
In a harness as she fists (or gloves) me."
on Love Under Will by Tyriana
18 Apr 2004, 5:00 PM
My god. Zero. Terribly, earnestly zero. God, I do hate running across these witchy 'chaunts' here. "A new-forged ring," indeed. After reading this one, I find my ring enlarged by a magickal factor of 6.
on some deleted poem
19 Apr 2004, 5:14 AM
Ace. But CLS's bum is as bony as a paint nag's and hard as the Rector's hornbook. You can tell from her pictures.
on stranger by francis nor capule
19 Apr 2004, 7:12 AM
Hi. You have no idea how a semicolon works, do you?
on LOVE-ABOVE LISTE by Everyone
19 Apr 2004, 10:15 AM
These should be broken into the following categories:
-'...knowing you're an angel up above.'
-'...you're like an angel up above.'
-'...blessed by/sent by the Lord above.'
-[other objects above.]
-[doesn't make any goddamn sense.]
-'...knowing you're an angel up above.'
-'...you're like an angel up above.'
-'...blessed by/sent by the Lord above.'
-[other objects above.]
-[doesn't make any goddamn sense.]
on From Treehouse To Factory by Shardik
19 Apr 2004, 12:16 PM
Hey, remember all those nights when I was laying your kid sister and you were down in the bottom bunk and you didn't say anything about it or go tell your folks - were you jerking off to us then? God! That's terrible! I mean, it was your ten-year-old sister, for Christ's sake! Shame! Shame!
on some deleted poem
19 Apr 2004, 12:17 PM
I don't think you lay the blame 'to' something. You might lay it *on*, or *assign* it to something. Other than that, good.
on From Treehouse To Factory by Shardik
19 Apr 2004, 2:24 PM
The last line would be better "We all went home having learned nothing." Maybe that's what you meant. This is one of your best, anyway.
on innocent voyeur by nentwined
19 Apr 2004, 5:52 PM
The (current) last line seems fine to me.
on some deleted poem
19 Apr 2004, 5:53 PM
I do love your username. This poem kind of sucks though.
on some deleted poem
20 Apr 2004, 9:35 AM
berkley => berkeley.
on some deleted poem
20 Apr 2004, 10:24 AM
I declare this the pimpliest sonnet ever. Thank you.
on some deleted poem
20 Apr 2004, 5:42 PM
I feel obliged to inform you that the most recent of Blender's Worst-of lists names Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City [on Rock & Roll]" the worst song ever.