| Re: a comment on The Benefits of Living in a House by Fear of Garbage |
17-Mar-04/11:10 AM |
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Presents could work, but there'd have to be some reference to gifts or something earlier to prepare me for it, cheesy as that sounds. It's like richa and his AAAAPPPPPPLLLLLLEEEESSSS.
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| Re: The Benefits of Living in a House by Fear of Garbage |
17-Mar-04/10:46 AM |
Great. Some of the lines seem a little overwrought or unnecessary:
"They have not been touched for years;"
"Nothing but death inhabits these walls,"
and (maybe)
"I should be finally free
from the presents of this place."
And presents is presence. I think. I could just be extra un-ironic today.
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| Re: a comment on My Boyfriend's Afro Pick by horus8 |
16-Mar-04/8:15 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Brethren by richa |
16-Mar-04/5:31 AM |
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INTRANSIT: to get it, you have to know that in his youth richa often sat under an old twisted sugarbeet tree, trying - o! in vain! - to wrap his youthful brain around the problem of gayness in the world, which he - rightly - felt was key to an understanding of the universe on the quantum level. One day, while deep in meditation, he was struck on the noggin by a falling sugarbeet, in an eerie replication of Newton's encounter with the apple, made more eerie by the fact of a sugarbeet growing on a tree in the first place, which richa had always thought of as an odd figure of speech. Anyway, the blow had the effect of dislodging a jammed synapse and revealing the gayness problem in its beautiful entirety to him. He had to tell people - but how? Most people just can't wrap their brains around something like this. They just want stage-tricks, juggling and APPLES. They're not ready for this stuff.
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| Re: My Day Off by wilco |
16-Mar-04/4:55 AM |
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The Zodiac/nutsac rhyme is doubly ironic since my real name is Yitzhak. -10-
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| Re: a comment on Neurons by Fear of Garbage |
15-Mar-04/5:50 PM |
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Never mind. I hope you'll post more often here.
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| Re: I think of you by singinkygal |
15-Mar-04/4:59 PM |
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I read your username as Sin-Gin-KY[Jelly]-Gal. I would strongly recommend rewriting this poem with one of those images/topics as a central figure - a leitmotif, if you will. By the way, leitmotif is your word for the day. Have a nice one. -7-
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| Re: a comment on Neurons by Fear of Garbage |
15-Mar-04/10:49 AM |
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Yes. I don't think the title works. And Stomach is accidentally capitalised. But thanks for using one of my lines. Now I can put 'Influential' in my press releases .
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| Re: Neurons by Fear of Garbage |
15-Mar-04/9:43 AM |
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| Re: The Politics of Poetry.coms by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
14-Mar-04/7:40 PM |
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Why do you spend all your time running around with those floozies? Do they prepare nutritious meals for you? Do they hand-wash your breeches? Or twirl your hair while you sleep? Or highlight all your favorite shows in the TV Guide? Come back to us, horus. The kids miss their father.
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| Re: a comment on Blinking by zodiac |
14-Mar-04/1:17 PM |
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| Re: Repression by alverland theme park |
14-Mar-04/6:21 AM |
"Let the alcohol wash this all" reminds me of my parents who always used to ask me if I was 'doing the drugs' or 'high on the dope', etc.
Dear mom and dad: I was.
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| Re: a comment on The Destination of the Unborn Child by DeadtotheWorld |
14-Mar-04/6:17 AM |
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I suggest that the preceding comment by richa is the Unified Theory of Everything so long sought by physicists, except for the toke part, which is utterly false.
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| Re: a comment on My Boyfriend's Afro Pick by horus8 |
13-Mar-04/6:55 PM |
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Sorry, my eyebrow came uncocked, and I had a moment of hywel-style earnestness. Let's go back to yo' momma jokes, shall we?
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| Re: My Boyfriend's Afro Pick by horus8 |
13-Mar-04/5:44 PM |
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Cool. And all that time I thought you were a Greco-centric blackist on account of that other poem. One thing: I would say Peter Tosh (ie, black) instead of Bob Marley (mostly white) and Miles or Coltrane (again, black) instead of Ellington. Unless you're being ironic - I can never tell.
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| Re: Woman in the purple cotton jacket(repaired) by INTRANSIT |
13-Mar-04/3:40 PM |
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| Re: Eris, my blade, the accurst villanelle by SupremeDreamer |
13-Mar-04/2:08 PM |
I don't know if you've read any of these, SD. I think they're pretty great. You have to scroll to the bottom: www.public.asu.edu/~aarios/formsofverse/reports2000/page8.html
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| Re: a comment on Eris, my blade, the accurst villanelle by SupremeDreamer |
13-Mar-04/1:33 PM |
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If you did it just for meter's sake, then you'll only want an apostrophe on the second cursed.
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| Re: a comment on Eris, my blade, the accurst villanelle by SupremeDreamer |
13-Mar-04/1:15 PM |
As far as I know, the rule for villanelles is iambic pentameter - though that's probably been fucked with enough recently to not matter anymore. There was a decent villanelle here a few days ago in tetrameter. The two famous examples of the form that pop into my head, Dylan Thomas' "Do not go gentle..." and Elizabeth Bishop's "One Art", are both in pentameter - a fact which you seem to have picked up on, if unconsciously. The missing syllables are minor things, easily corrected. If you don't mind:
With MY cursed pen I craft this vilanelle,
its shape a blade whose lustre SHALL NOT fade
but of course that DOESN'T mean THAT it'll sell.
Never-the-less I am sure it shall cut well.
Even if this days' end leaves me unpaid,
with my cursed pen I craft this vilanelle.
This blade struck HARD, IT echoes a shrill knell;
close to flesh, it'll make a man afraid,
but of course that DOESN'T mean THAT it'll sell.
Used BY SKILLED HANDS, it shall bid you farewell;
its thirst and thrust MERE men can not evade.
With cursed pen I've crafted this vilanelle.
If unsold, within my sheath it shall dwell,
till a FOE'S flesh stirs it to SWIFT invade;
once it has slain, this blade I SHALL NOT sell.
It'll serve me well, my FEARSOME blade from hell;
a weapon well worth a day left unpaid.
With cursed pen I've crafted this vilanelle;
and death with its keen edge is what I sell.
Okay - I'm reading "of course" as one syllable, which seems natural. And I'm overlooking some backwards accents. The capitalized words are placeholders; you can think of better words to go in them than I can. But that's a general idea - any help?
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| Re: a comment on Eris, my blade, the accurst villanelle by SupremeDreamer |
13-Mar-04/1:01 PM |
The pre-twentieth-century poetic reading of a word like "cursed" would have been "CUR-sed" (which is why it is sometimes, but nowhere near always, written "curséd".) A one-syllable "cursed" would have been written "curs'd" to avoid confusion, the apostrophe representing the dropped (and therefore unpronounced) vowel. This is where 'stain'd' and 'bow'ls' come from.
Today we usually read according to standard pronunciation most of the time, so cursed (at least around here) has one syllable. But in your first line you have to read "with CUR-sed PEN i CRAFT this VILaNELLE," in order to keep the pentameter. In the next stanza you write "with MY cursed PEN..." making a one-syllable cursed. It should at least be consistent, whichever way you go. Or throw in an apostrophe if you like. I'm sure he'll/they'll love it.
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