| Re: Dream Wars by lastobelus |
29-Jan-04/3:05 PM |
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The two unders in the first stanza is daring. I don't know whether to call you on it. (And so far, this is a carbon copy of my planned next post, which will now in the spirit of difference be a jaunty silly ballad of Hero and Glorianne.) Also in st.1 the German motor gets by, but the BMW in the next sentence stops me cold. You can't reintroduce the car like that. In st.2 I feel like 'by the path' is a little weird. I know what you're saying, but 'On the path' sounds better to me. Don't ask why. And 'The black night of the sky' is just wrong. Those things aside, I liked it. Evocations of sleeplessness on really late nights just tickle my spleen.
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| Re: Spare Change by andrewjthomas |
29-Jan-04/2:50 PM |
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Moron is not the right word. Around here they pronounce it with two syllables - which is astonishing, considering they pronounce everything else with as few as possible. Maybe 'dupe' would work?
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| Re: The Hermit by sykes |
29-Jan-04/5:52 AM |
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Ah, the famous 'street'/'speak' half-rhyme, finished up with the stalwart 'home' and 'alone'! Go on, now, and tell yourself (and us) that we can't write half this well. We don't mind.
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| Re: raven hath spoken (testing....) by crwncka1 |
29-Jan-04/4:28 AM |
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Dear god... You might consider changing your title to "8 Commas, a Dash, an Exclamation Mark, and 839 Words of Meaningless Rambling Drivel, Topped By a Pretentious Use of 'Hath'." Do you do this all the time?!? My favorite part is "a true vision of knowing found looking deep within to find the surface hiding your real nature" which is, after all, as good an instance as any of something being found by finding.
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| Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac |
28-Jan-04/3:16 PM |
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Nah. Maybe the note just bugs you because it's so big. In the manuscript it's in really small font. Besides a note can be a part of the poem - or, like the notes Eliot included in 'The Waste Land, longer than the poem itself.
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| Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac |
28-Jan-04/3:07 PM |
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The note's changed. Though now I've erased your vote.
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| Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac |
28-Jan-04/3:06 PM |
"a good piece doesn't need an explanatory note" - agreed, I just wanted people to know about the cool yellow light game. ---
"it shouldn't be completely spelled out for the reader" - In the same way we say a person is obvious in their ordinary speech, like my little sister who (at 23) still says things like "it's raining" or "I saw a cat." Yet you wouldn't say we're normally cryptic in our speech. You see? You can just relate things. The note aside, "you won't be dead already" is completely different from "she'd have surely died..." And that's my favorite rhyme.
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| Re: a comment on Cold Rain Road by middenHeap |
28-Jan-04/3:03 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Cold Rain Road by middenHeap |
28-Jan-04/3:02 PM |
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I believe all ladies think thusly, my expectations of women being completely corrupted by internet porn.
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| Re: a comment on Cold Rain Road by middenHeap |
28-Jan-04/3:01 PM |
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In and of itself. Vernal is Spring.
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| Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac |
28-Jan-04/2:52 PM |
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Poetry's not about what you can or can't infer like a puzzle. Usually, though, the headnote doesn't say that she got AIDS.
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| Re: Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac |
28-Jan-04/2:46 PM |
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ajt - this one's not supposed to be a puzzle. None of them are, really.
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| Re: After The Years Howl By by Lenore |
28-Jan-04/2:39 PM |
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The main problem is the title. Good Ode-y meter and part-rhyme.
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| Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac |
28-Jan-04/2:34 PM |
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actually it's gray light and daylight. That's even harder.
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| Re: a comment on Jennifer Entire by Goad |
28-Jan-04/2:33 PM |
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I'm not ambivalent. Yes - well, halfway ambivalent.
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| Re: Cold Rain Road by middenHeap |
28-Jan-04/2:29 PM |
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No comma after skid. The 'man' reference is weird. It either sticks out too much or not enough. You are no old gentleman; you are as vernal as the Spring. On another string I hypothesize you as a young lady.
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| Re: Ode to Poem Ranker by Lenore |
28-Jan-04/2:23 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Belabourin' Jack by middenHeap |
28-Jan-04/2:18 PM |
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I always imagine dark angel with a voice like Rupert Everett's.
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| Re: Tomorrow by sykes |
28-Jan-04/9:35 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac |
28-Jan-04/9:06 AM |
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I'm still thinking about it.
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