poemranker ::A Year Later (edited a bit) by Sasha

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Villanelle № 101876

A Year Later (edited a bit)

by Sasha

Member since 2004 · Posted 13 May 2004 · Edited 15 May 2004 · 20 comments

Young child, why do you shiver so, When warm beneath this bluest May? Tell me. I'd give the world to know. "None asked me that by winter's snow, When in December's chills I lay: Young child, why do you shiver so?" Cold night was gone with morning though. Why shiver in the dawn today? Tell me. I'd give a world to know! Your clothes are good. Kind winds that blow Make you a beauty as they play... Young child. why do you shiver so? "None wondered as I froze below A thin rag on a road of clay: 'Tell me. I'd give the world to know' I shiver in joy, not cold. So go. But why's it only *now* you say 'Young child, why do you shiver so?' Tell me. I'd give a world know!"

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mean 6.88 weighted 6.87 rank 269 views 590 View voting details →

26 votes so far. Yours would make 27.26 votes so far

A favorite of Ranger.

20 comments

[9] sliver 13-May-04/6:20 PM Reply
On this fine May day, I read this as it snows outside my window.These are the people I seek to find, When I pass I won't leave them behind.
[n/a] Sasha › sliver 13-May-04/6:24 PM Reply
Winter snow came BEFORE may!!
[9] sliver › Sasha 13-May-04/6:37 PM Reply
O.K. so spring snow, but it's snowing outside my window right now,
Colorado can be like that.
Still, I understand the point. Screw the time of year, Charity knows no season.
[n/a] Sasha › sliver 13-May-04/6:38 PM Reply
Colorado?


My condolences
[9] sliver › Sasha 13-May-04/6:44 PM Reply
Your loss. I love it. These mountains have an addiction all there own. And the people in this country are some of the best.
[n/a] Sasha › Sasha 13-May-04/6:48 PM Reply
Your what?
[9] sliver › Sasha 13-May-04/6:51 PM Reply
You know, mezcal, the tequila w/ the worms?
[n/a] Enkidu › sliver 13-May-04/9:53 PM Reply
Where in colorado?
[9] sliver › Enkidu 14-May-04/7:43 AM Reply
Just East of Colorado Springs.
[n/a] Enkidu › sliver 13-May-04/9:54 PM Reply
where in colorado?
[9] INTRANSIT 13-May-04/6:49 PM Reply
Maryland? So close to the capital, too.

My condolences.

Quality vill though.
[n/a] Sasha 15-May-04/7:27 AM Reply
in case you ask why I edited and trashed all your votes it was because the spelling errors in this villanelle threatened to send it to the bow'ls of Pinsky's horrid Inferno.

Please feel free to tell me what a wackjob I am

Thank you
[7] Shardik 15-May-04/1:39 PM Reply
Fluff.
[7] Shardik 15-May-04/3:19 PM Reply
Raped in a Welsh duck pond late in November.
[n/a] Sasha › Shardik 15-May-04/3:32 PM Reply
Why Welsh?
[n/a] horus8 11-Jul-04/11:54 AM Reply
Want a twinkie?
[10] Ranger 5-Sep-06/11:40 PM Reply
One of the best villanelles I've read on the ranker - very traditional feel to it which gets bonus points :-) I'd find an alternative for the first 'shiver' in the final stanza, and you missed the last 'to' (that's not a criticism though, just a pedantic observation ;-)) Only other whinge I have is about the exclamation marks - personally I hate them in most poetry, but you might feel they're necessary to stay in keeping with the style. That's fair enough I guess, I won't derank it on that alone.
Other than that? Stunning rhythm and it flows more or less perfectly (you might want to de-capitalise the start of line 14 to retain the grammatical consistency). This just has to be added to my favourites :-)
[7] LilMsLadyPoet 11-Jan-07/9:56 PM Reply
I like this, but it needs a little cleaning up and seems too repetitive, to me.
[1] Dr Toilet 15-Jan-07/4:08 PM Reply
Line 5: do you REALLY not know the difference between "lay" and "lie"? How fucking tragic.
[n/a] Sasha › Dr Toilet 15-Jan-07/7:55 PM Reply
Yes, yes I do know the putative prescriptive difference between the two. "Lie" is intransitive present where as "lay" is either transative present or intransitive past. I had intransitive past in mind, my dear Dr. Toilet.

But honestly, I find it hard to care. Furthermore, I loathe linguistic prescriptivism as I find it to be ignorant and pseudointellectual.