Dear Lord,

Member since 2002 · Posted 1 Jun 2004 · Edited 24 Aug 2005 · 13 comments

what is this winter's chill? Revenge- it calls; I will not rent. Spirit of man is frozen still while mercy fills me I'll not be bent and I am moved if by your will a robust heart with deep pigment and I become spring's daffodil the who I am shall not relent. Gray hairs spark and thrust me forth through many tears that I have cried as I have built this life towards north these chisels worn I leave behind. And once I've passed my deathly port my scroll as long as life is wide unto you I shall report though I've not turned man's tide.

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mean 4.00 weighted 4.95 rank 8819 views 321 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

A favorite of sliver, SupremeDreamer, Bethy.

13 comments

[10] AuntyM 1-Jun-04/4:44 PM Reply

Excellent!

[10] AuntyM 2-Jun-04/6:44 AM Reply

Excellent!

[8] Shuushin 2-Jun-04/7:06 AM Reply

Leaves a nice aftertaste.

Some details - the semicolon/colon maybe better a dash/semicolon

and maybe "I'll not be bent" instead of the rent line - something about that sequence with "lent"... perhaps work "relent" in somehow?

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Shuushin 2-Jun-04/5:39 PM Reply

Thanks. My wife is posting for me. Somebody's getting their nipples tweaked when I get home. Maybe this poem.

[9] fair12 2-Jun-04/12:27 PM Reply

I liked the just on the edge of dark, old romantic feel of this.

[10] sliver 2-Jun-04/3:21 PM Reply

My new favorite. Ten does not begin. I especially like the scroll of life. If you are speaking to God, then your and thee should be capitalized. Fantastic writing.

[9] Dovina 22-Aug-05/9:59 AM Reply

The most religious thing I've seen from you. What gives? I Like it a lot.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Dovina 22-Aug-05/10:02 AM Reply

Um, this is actually a little old but I went ahead with Shoeis' suggestions because I'm beating myself about the pate deciding how important music is to my poetry. Deep inside, I'm a believer, no matter what the world thinks. Thanks.

[10] zodiac 22-Aug-05/11:52 PM Reply

This is good. Drop the "thee".

[n/a] ALChemy 25-Aug-05/10:25 AM Reply

The last line might need an extra syllable I'm not sure but try sounding it out with "mankind's tide".

[n/a] ALChemy › ALChemy 25-Aug-05/10:25 AM Reply

The rest of it is good.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › ALChemy 25-Aug-05/10:32 AM Reply

Thanks. I went through this about five times trying to get 8 syllables per line. I gave up and let my "ear" tell me what to do. I've wondered about a short caesura in that last line and I had a comma in it. You might be right.

[10] zodiac › INTRANSIT 26-Aug-05/5:16 AM Reply

I think the rhythm's fine as is. If anything, you need a syllable before "unto" in the line before, but I wouldn't even work too hard on that. Modernish, this way.