poemranker ::When You Wish by Enkidu

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Free verse № 143775

When You Wish

by Enkidu

Member since 2004 · Posted 2 Jun 2006 · 1 comment

I watched a star It wasn’t really shooting More sinking, drooping Sucking the light From the sky it passed As it broke the horizon Dropping fast I wished upon the star To wonder Like a child Bright and younger And to my satisfaction Found the other Stars to follow that falling, shooting star That keeps my mind Doubting, hollow

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mean 4.00 weighted 4.95 rank 8818 views 148 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

1 comment

[8] Ranger 2-Jun-06/11:29 AM Reply
Catchy, although the flow could be worked on in a few places - for example the first line's pretty abrupt. Maybe make it: 'I watched a star that/wasn't really shooting...' Nice rhymes though and the end has a decent ambiguity to it; the contrast between not believing something and still having that glimmer of hope that the mysteries you believed in as a child might just be true. Or something like that.