poemranker ::Vows by QuirkyWonder

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Free verse № 108145

Vows

by QuirkyWonder

Member since 2004 · Posted 11 Jul 2004 · 6 comments

If these walls could talk They'd tell me all the things you say Inside your private thoughts I would not be so afraid Afraid of what the future holds Binding us together Your whispered words mean nothing Without my trust and understanding The look in your eyes is convincing I'm mesmerized by your charm Nothing is forever Because forever always ends This experience will last a lifetime Because as of now We are one.

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7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

6 comments

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 12-Jul-04/4:21 AM Reply
"Nothing is forever
Because forever always ends"

I am imagining the look of quiet satisfaction on your face when you came up with that sodden fuckmuffin, and frantically tightening a vise on my remaining teste to take away the discomfort.
[5] Dovina 12-Jul-04/10:19 AM Reply
The last three lines don't make sense. cliches abound. Try for originality.
[7] Dan garcia-Black 12-Jul-04/10:52 AM Reply
I see something in this. The image is obscured by your immersion in the material. I think EP said it best, "Put the pen down. Back away from the paper..." Go to a coffee shop and listen to the people talking. Listen to what cashiers and ticket takers at the theater say to you. Hear the way people talk to each other when they think someone else is listening THEN come back and re-write this good idea you have. Just one thing...avoid all those stupid inanities that people use in their daily speech. Your good idea deserves more respect than the day to day parlance people use at the supermarket unless that voice is an integral part to our understanding of the poem. Don’t stop writing. Don’t be discouraged by comments on poemranker. Take what you can use and make your stuff better. I see something in there but it needs your help to get it into focus.
[5] Dovina › Dan garcia-Black 12-Jul-04/11:03 AM Reply
I see a delightful comedy of ascending awareness in the three above comments, yours by far the best.
[n/a] zodiac › Dovina 13-Jul-04/3:36 AM Reply
That's because you are in many ways dim. No offense intended. Most people are probably dim at at least one thing.

PS- Comedies don't ascend. They revolve. Thanks.
[10] sliver 17-Aug-04/7:25 AM Reply
Enjoyable, I can allmost see you behind those walls.