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Beached (Or how I learned to give up the day) (Lyric) by Jeremi B. Handrinos When I rounded the point
There was a wind-break
The sun had just yoked
On the boats & their wake.
I had come for fresh air
And a view that was ripe
To lay my soul bare
And get sleep tonight.
But the whales were sick too
And the sky was dead red
There was a storm brewing
A tempest in my head.
I saw no foot-steps home
I felt no peace of mind
It was no day to comb
For sea-shells in the tide
I collapsed upon knees
To succumb in my fight
Another prince broken
In half by twilight.
Up the ladder:
Kakistocracy
Down the ladder:
What You Give
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.1
Posted: August 24, 2004 11:50 PM PDT; Last modified: August 24, 2004 11:50 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.05 Overall Rank: 1206 Comments:
[9]
SupremeDreamer @ 65.45.152.4
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25-Aug-04/6:46 AM
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Reply
Quite right my friend... but you lose a point for "prince", since I can be a asshole like that and feel good doin it.
I loved the third verse so much, but the whole poem is beautiful.
Apart from the last two lines, which I don't like because they seem over-sentimental and Romantic, this is ace. teh first stanza could be a poem by itself.
I see your point, and it's well taken.
very cute. tightly done. silly, but tightly done and in that silliness is a nice contrast.
As usual, good job.
LOVED the line:
"The sun had just yoked"- original and excellent! Some seemed a little lackluster: the lines"whales were sick too" and a little trite: "I saw no foot-steps home"--The first two stanzas are fresh and hardhitting. Rest of poem did not match that power. 345 view(s)
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