poemranker ::Zipmark'd by fevriere

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Free verse № 113860

Zipmark'd

Member since 2004 · Posted 17 Oct 2004 · Edited 21 Oct 2004 · 6 comments

Clever you, whiskeysour wakeling, clever your hands slip -pery on the animal of you; on the hip sidewalk. You flush the lavendar veins of your thighs and generally let your inside take pride in bringing to life your corps. Crumbs; all that went on at that Party lasnight was your body and your insides Raging Waking; then the drink put you to bed, so you found your self allclothed, unhid; you let your self dangle over the edge of the bed - extremities growing cold. You were delighted to find that Lust had disappeared overnight and steamed-up windows had come clear.

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mean 6.50 weighted 5.18 rank 4880 views 183 View voting details →

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6 comments

[9] Dovina 17-Oct-04/11:42 AM Reply
It's cute the way you split the lines and ran some of the words together, but frankly, I think it detracts.
[n/a] Fear of Garbage 18-Oct-04/12:40 PM Reply
its not cute at all. please, put it all into normal context and it will be rated much higher.
[n/a] fevriere › Fear of Garbage 21-Oct-04/5:40 AM Reply
I've changed it a little so that the structure's some less pretentious, but I wanted to keep it disjointed. So ner, basically.
[9] INTRANSIT 21-Oct-04/7:06 AM Reply
I like the psuedo-beat thing going on here. I think it's better than mine.
[9] Dovina 21-Oct-04/1:19 PM Reply
It's better now, but why do you split "slippery?" And "your self allclothed" adds nothing more than "yourself all clothed."
[n/a] fevriere › Dovina 22-Oct-04/4:37 PM Reply
Allclothed is a compound adjective. I like it. It stays.
Slippery slips off the end of the line. I thought you learnt about enjambement the other day? Wasn't it you who was utilisting it so prettily the other day?