Free verse № 143078
Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft)
You are a small gold leaf blown over warm earth
Like a kiss-
Content at rest
But if you had these eyes, then you would see
See him sitting in the arms of an apple tree
She will hold him with every other seeking bliss
For he is a wandering cuckoo in an unfamiliar nest,
Surrounded by bitter spheres
If emerald, they watch, blinkless, cold and veined
If crimson he fears stigmata's hold;
Palm outstretched and strained to receive his share of blood
Wrist stud nearly tearing, fiercely threshed-
Nervous in anticipation of more pierced flesh
If Cupid will tell of directness
And steadfastness of hands through surging hearts,
Then you would be like that arrow:
A sketch of his desire while still he stays caressed in bark-skinned curl
Fingers still stretched
But his fist closed around a different mark of nature
Scattered beside him lingered frozen dew
Where he joined every apple, cast down-
Hoarfrost-white veil blinded him to you
While feeling sun touch skin he turned, trapped in
Amber
Turned
Like you, leaf, slowly flipping over, dozed
Before you skipped away from the orchard
Her blossom, his fall
And, choking on greed and ecstasy, he
He should have known that not all
acid
is
citrus
19 comments
Token vote, as you say, to start the comment counter.
It's 00:40 hrs now and I'm quite tired. Sorry for no vote now. I did read it, and it looks interesting, but am unable to be specific right now.
ever listen to skinny puppy? go read some of their lyrics... there's a trip for ya:
http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-ly
http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-ad
http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-la
http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-sp
http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-wo
much of their stuff doesn't seem to make sense, and other stuff is all dubbed clips. and it all seems much better heard than it does read. anyway...
hey, i caught your trademark leaf image... i also like the title bit: "temporally uncertain" . a play on "temporarily uncertain"?
so i'm gonna vote a 7 for now; i know you mean to tighten this up. it will be very interesting to read as it develops.
I intended that this be a little surreal (it's about drugs, after all) whilst retaining a fairly clear story to follow. On the surface it's about someone getting paranoid and overdosing; the second, less complete layer relates to the 'Cupid' part of the title. I don't know how much people can see into this though; so far I've written what I wanted to say but I'm not sure where to go next with it, or how to make it clearer. It's pretty frustrating, really.
Temporally is partly a play on temporarily, but also because the tenses in here are all over the place. It starts in the present, finishes in the past, and has an odd conditional junction in the middle. The leap from conditional to past really doesn't scan, but there again: I don't quite know what to do with it.
How are the rhymes sounding in this one?
It aint your fault as i had a very sarcastic and humorous lecture from H8 or Dark Angel about it :-)
I like the use of Cupid to stand in for agape love - that's a nice analogy.
"Arrow" is a bit confusing. You probably refer to Zenoâs arrow, a paradox where motion is rest. If so, then I think thatâs too distant an allusion to expect even above average readers to get.
The wrist nearly tearing is good because most people would say "hand tearing" which is probably not historically right.
Consistency of the apple tree metaphor: Crimson spheres are imaginable, but emerald-colored apples are not, at least to me.
I see other things going on here besides crucifixion. Iâd like to see them all tie together somehow. Surely, you wish to show how these things are related.
This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below)
You are,
a small gold leaf
blown over warm earth
Like a kiss-
Content at rest
But,
if you had these eyes,
you would see
him sitting,
in the arms of an apple tree
She will hold him,
with every other seeking bliss
and so on......
it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be.
Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.
While the title presupposes the theme, it as it stands now is a little confusing to me; basically, I'm wondering if you have a pretty good image & mental snapshot of the of this man, posed in that odd bodily articulation assumed just before & during the coveted arrival of deathly-bliss; the opiate rushing
of the soul towards oblivion...
Or if he just discovered that it was laced with acid and had a sporadic thought, or image, of enhancing the coming madness with the consumtion of an bloody orange.
In short, I'd be happy to see this piece recieve some sharper definition. The image and thought this poem grasps for is worth perfecting. Till then, mate, heres a seven.
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