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Yesterday I cried

Member since 2002 · Posted 26 Aug 2002 · 4 comments

Yesterday I cried & on the day before also. I wore sunglasses on one of the darkest days in Colorado but I couldn't hide the tears streaming down my face as I walked among strangers. Your memorial shall remain in the hearts that you have touched rather than near the vehicle that blossoms in your name among cranes & columbines. If your children still want to enter this fierce world, they will have to find another way. The hands of cowards have placed you into the presence of God. Go now & spread your wings. See splendid sights that are beyond the realm of humankind. Make miracles happen. For now I will continue to cry. Not for you but for me because I can never meet you; the actress, the sister, the daughter.... perhaps as the angel?

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4 comments

[4] god'swife 26-Aug-02/2:09 PM Reply

I get an honest sense of what this experience is like, but again it's all about the editing. You've really created some beautiful images: The girl crying behind her sunglasses, hands of cowards, The dead making miracles, the living, not the dead as the ultimate sufferers. Say the same line over and over in different ways, for example, hands of cowards could be cowardly hands etc. Try to avoid the overuse of prepositions and small words which don't add to what you're discribing especially of, the, and, that. Example: presence of God might sound/look better as God's presence. Or the 1st line in the second stanza might
work better as ....remain in the hearts you touched.... These are just tools writers use to hone down meaning. For the majority of successful writers it takes many revisions and I mean many, before they feel their poem is finished. I like your poem. I lost my father 7 yrs ago, I miss him more every year.

[4] Bachus 26-Aug-02/3:52 PM Reply

Now god's wife, ye know us bachians can fell that tree with one whack.what's this about editing, nay! only typos never structure! who? us? chew on your ankle, this piece suffers from tacky adjective syndrome, and unfunctionable noun disease, i say unfortunately, it is beyond medical-literal-visual recovery, and should be put down 4/10!

[10] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 26-Aug-02/5:15 PM Reply

I don't know what naughty religion you're from, but in the kingdom of Jesu, dead people don't turn into angels. I also think that you have substituted bland sentimentality for actual content. There is too much exposition and not enough evocation. But hey, that's just my opinion! I would never try to tell you what to do! Probably, I just don't understand! Have a great one! 10/10!!!

[n/a] <{Baba^Yaga}> 26-Aug-02/5:32 PM Reply

1/134 words did i care for, and that's 'colorado'(to beautiful to hate, shit poor sense of community though)<not that any other place is any better or worse> i'm gonna go ahead and give you a 763/-009. good luck. best wishes. say hi to father candice'.