poemranker ::A Spring bird in November (Edit) by Sasha

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Other № 115251

A Spring bird in November (Edit)

by Sasha

Member since 2004 · Posted 9 Nov 2004 · Edited 10 Nov 2004 · 5 comments

Sliding on hard and icy skies                    A bird of springtime plies                  The air whose cold forebodes              A winter with its building breeze.        The bird in elegant unease Heads southward, slow as feet on unclear roads.                                                                                    All warmth to it's a distant myth.        No friend to shiver with,        No guide but weary eyes,    It's making one last-ditch attempt    Before December's cold contempt Kills this procrastinator of the skies.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 8.29 weighted 5.88 rank 1526 views 260 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

A favorite of Plaidypus.

5 comments

[9] zodiac 10-Nov-04/12:26 AM Reply
The definite articles throughout - but especially in the first line - are hideous and a waste of space. With the same syllables I could have said, oh, I don't know,

Against flat, skin-white winter skies,
Against glass-hard November skies,
On unforgiving surfaced skies,

- and so on and so on, without the presumption of "the".

And "flies and plies" is a little too sing-songy, even for a song. Even "flies; it plies" would have been better, though not much. Drop the "flies", I say (*snicker, snicker*) and get an adjective before "bird".
[n/a] horus8 › zodiac 10-Nov-04/4:04 PM Reply
Enbrowned bird
[9] edpeterson 10-Nov-04/9:01 AM Reply
i have to agree with Jimmy Z on this one, though I doubt i would have noticed myself, otherwise.

What you have is really good.
[n/a] horus8 10-Nov-04/4:03 PM Reply
A fistfull of fuck.
[9] sliver 10-Nov-04/11:17 PM Reply
I especially like the comparison,unclear roads...