I'm afraid you've completely lost me with this one, to the point that just about the only bit of criticism I can make byond that is I'm fairly sure the first "to" on your last line is intended to be a "too".
Line by line--l1 is a bit simplistic for the number of words you use, but could go somewhere. l2 as well. l3 is nice and succinct... I almost think you could drop the first two lines and work the rest into something more coherent, but I'm lost as to what you intend with 'translation', and ... no idea what you're hoping to convey.
I have experienced this many times. Capturing the dream or the last thought before sleep or the waking thought, is difficult. Translation from sleep thinking into wake thinking is hard, but so worthwhile.
recaptire -> capture
period after desires.
It's nice to see someone has been able to read what it was I found myself trying to explain.I've gone and read the poems you have posted.I am very impressed you have true talent.You know how to use imagery,almost more of a story teller at some points.
3 comments
Line by line--l1 is a bit simplistic for the number of words you use, but could go somewhere. l2 as well. l3 is nice and succinct... I almost think you could drop the first two lines and work the rest into something more coherent, but I'm lost as to what you intend with 'translation', and ... no idea what you're hoping to convey.
recaptire -> capture
period after desires.
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