poemranker ::Crossing the Mojave by INTRANSIT

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Villanelle № 123939

Crossing the Mojave

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 22 Apr 2005 · Edited 25 May 2005 · 8 comments

He walks tattered terrain that crosses Mojave As I pass and splash him with invisible tide Washing him with time to talk to Agave. Walking hot summits is certainly no hobby, As voices crackle from deep inside, Hearing tattered terrain that crosses Mojave. Cold are the firebirds that he is robbing, Though he cannot see them through dreary dry eyes Still he sees time to talk with agave. Shoe leather soul, through scrub brush he slovenly treks-- I head for a pullout when I decide to watch sand storming man cross the Mojave. Las Cruces New Mexico, end of the Mojave. Part of me wishes I were him I confide, To have the time to talk with agave. Now I see him the King Salmon; I the crappie garnering nothing but his dark ghostly guide. He walks tattered terrain that crosses Mojave, Still he has time to talk with agave.

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mean 6.60 weighted 5.19 rank 4688 views 274 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

8 comments

[9] Dovina 22-Apr-05/2:53 PM Reply
I've seen him, I think
driving that road,
shoe leather soul
Part of me wishes
to walk alongside
talk with agave
cross the Majave
with a dark ghostly guide
[9] AuntyM 26-Apr-05/8:01 PM Reply
And yours is better...how? Your brilliant recreation is NOT a Villanelle, so comparing the two proves quite difficult!
[7] SupremeDreamer 16-May-05/6:45 PM Reply
This one my friend stumbles, and stuggles to fit the form. That, and also one is left wondering: "what is the meaning or signifigance of the desert plant agave?"

Be blessed by the angels of seven.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › SupremeDreamer 18-May-05/1:41 PM Reply
A. Of course it struggles. It's walking tattered terrain you grebe.

2. He talkw with agave because he's NUTSO ! Like me.

And K. The seven is quite generous. 10-Q
[n/a] <~> › INTRANSIT 21-May-05/9:51 AM Reply
in the 4th stanza, you use enjambment and that makes the poem flow. this is the standard you should hold the others to. the final, as well, works beautifully. in the others, the abrubt endings give a lurching feeling, where i think you need to have more of a slow meander. it's a good start, excellent theme and idea, but the full stops hinder the gist of it. keep at it and you'll get it better.
[9] Quarton 25-May-05/4:21 PM Reply
A solid nine. Fascinating!
[9] jessicazee 26-May-05/9:41 PM Reply
Firebirds and cold leather souls are enough to win me over. 9.3.
[7] Jill Stockinger 1-Jan-21/12:02 PM Reply
Loved the rhythm of this. One jarring word: hobby, broke the vision and feel of the poem.