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Memoirs of a miners son

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Dec 2005 · Edited 7 Feb 2006 · 14 comments

Anvil eyed my Father glanced at me "dress me well for Karen he said". He drew his breaths like a 'Davy lamp' As I brushed his hair with still hands. This man would leave for work golden And return a shadow who left my lips black reading me Whitman as I slept and living poetry each day I woke. My Father was Sicilian The miners called him Brando My Mother called him Darling And I just called for him And he'd always return to me With something carved from coal. He had no last words for me Just a smile and a squeeze of my hand And then he was twenty three again In a Daimler with Karen Driving to Loch Lomond With forty two shillings Two smiles and two rings And her Fathers wrath.

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6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

14 comments

[10] INTRANSIT 29-Dec-05/6:26 AM Reply

Good good good good good. Anvil eyed. Daimler. Could you make it longer? Seems shor for memoirs. 9.5

[n/a] Caducus 29-Dec-05/7:33 AM Reply

Line 3 should i say: he drew his breaths like a miners pick

instead of heroes sword?

Its a draft for sure but thanks cldtrucky

[10] INTRANSIT › Caducus 29-Dec-05/2:31 PM Reply

Cldtrucky? cute. Hey, have you submitted anything offline/ by mail anywhere? If so, what was the result. Thanks.

[10] INTRANSIT › INTRANSIT 30-Dec-05/10:57 AM Reply

Thanks C. you can't e-mail me anything at the moment. Cldtrky is non-operational and when I put it back up I'm sure it will be something else. People keep telling me I should get my feet wet but I keep asking myself "why?". That is to say I cannot come up with a valuable and logical reason to seek publication. Would you share your reasoning? I'm always open to opinion, even if I don't like it. Thanks again. Merry Bearings and Happy hydraulics to you.

[10] deleted user 29-Dec-05/1:28 PM Reply

This is an excellent poem. You could play around with line breaks for the heck of it to try to add a little extra punch, but other than that I would'nt change a thing. wonderful job.

[10] Dovina 29-Dec-05/8:13 PM Reply

Do you mean, '"Dress me well for Karen," he said.'?

[10] amanda_dcosta 30-Dec-05/12:38 AM Reply

Very elegantly descriptive. Except for the punctuation, i don't think i need to comment further. I admire a poet's view for what he writes. So no changes.

[10] zodiac 30-Dec-05/7:19 AM Reply

You've admitted to being sloppy about grammar, so I'll do it for you:

Memoirs of a miner's son

Anvil-eyed, my Father glanced at me.
"Dress me well for Karen", he said.

He drew his breaths like a hero's sword
As I brushed his hair with still hands.

This man would leave for work golden
And return a shadow who left my lips black,
reading me Whitman as I slept
and living poetry each day I woke.

My Father was Sicilian;
The miners called him Brando,
My Mother called him Darling,
And I just called for him.
And he'd always return to me
With something carved from coal.

He had no last words for me,
Just a smile and a squeeze of my hand,
And then he was twenty three again
In a Daimler with Karen,
Driving to Loch Lomond
With forty two shillings,
Two smiles and two rings,
And her Father's wrath.

Good. All-around good.

[10] lmp 5-Jan-06/9:14 AM Reply

damn, that smarts.

very excellent.

[n/a] Caducus 7-Feb-06/8:24 AM Reply

Changed line 3 to davy lamp as it makes a wheezing sound when lit and is used for mining.

I think its better than heroes sword.

[10] Dovina › Caducus 7-Feb-06/6:05 PM Reply

Agreed. I still think this is great.

[9] richa 8-Feb-06/3:14 AM Reply

Very good. Anvil eyed needs a hyphen or the anvil is doing the eying. Davy lamp doesn't need quotation marks, and is a much more relevant and precise image than hero's sword. The details give it pathos and I think it benefits from not being overloaded with adjectives.

[9] Ranger 9-Feb-06/7:32 AM Reply

As usual, beautifully emotive...certainly a talent of yours!

[9] wilco 9-Feb-06/4:18 PM Reply

I hate to keep heaping praise upon you because I'm sure your head is swelling as I write this, but I can't help it. I'l give it a 10 if you can make it longer and it's still this good.