poemranker ::A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina

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Free verse № 137380

A Sheep’s Wish

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 23 Jan 2006 · 21 comments

Born under Aries, you can call me ewe Rams batter (I’m flattered) bruising brothers with butts to garner my favor I bleat for the black one roll eyes at the spotted then gloat as their heads collide all the harder If they knew what I wanted they’d give up the struggle build nests like the thrush then sing me their songs I’d tour the neighborhood test furnishing and fur hear scratching of ramhorn then choose me a mate But my suitors keep butting like blood-sucking fleas who plant killer germs in animals they need Why can’t these rams do their work in the day gather nuts like the squirrel nectar like bees And remember when they like this lamb at my side had good homes for retiring and swim there like salmon He could mate with me there rest finally in peace ignoring the common sheep who can do as they please

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mean 7.56 weighted 6.28 rank 902 views 291 View voting details →

9 votes so far. Yours would make 10.9 votes so far

A favorite of Landon2.

21 comments

[6] ecargo 23-Jan-06/7:11 PM Reply
Starts off really clever and cute, with some nice alliteration and end-rhymes (garner, favor, harder), but those elements seem to get lost in the rest of it. The last six stanzas don't meet the promise of the first two (although the last stanza picks up the similar sounds again, in peace, sheep, please and I do note the fleas/bees/please rhyme, but they're too far apart; not saying you need to endstop the rhymes, but maybe work them a little closer somehow). I do like how you looked to other critters for comparison.
[n/a] Dovina › ecargo 23-Jan-06/9:00 PM Reply
These are good observations and suggestions. I’ve made revisions based of some of them, though you don’t see them here. Thanks.

Your comments on poems by others have likewise seemed worthwhile. I see you’ve been commenting since 11/02, but your poems are few and recent. I am much newer here and can’t help wondering what username you went by then and what happened to the many poems you must have posted before this January. No answer is necessary, and I won’t keep bugging. It’s good have you around.
[n/a] Dovina › Dovina 24-Jan-06/11:08 AM Reply
It's always good to know a man's genetics before any serious discussion. Thanks for giving yours. And please stick around this time.
[8] ALChemy › Dovina 24-Jan-06/11:25 AM Reply
Yes, it is good to know a man's genetics. So are you a man or a woman ecargo?
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/11:29 AM Reply
Sorry, I don't get it.
[8] ALChemy › Dovina 24-Jan-06/11:50 AM Reply
Most of ecargo's comments and poems lately imply womanhood. But the old stuff implies manhood. So, I don't get it either.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/11:59 AM Reply
Do we dare ask?
[6] ecargo › Dovina 24-Jan-06/1:48 PM Reply
Didn't you just?

It's much more fun to leave the question open and unanswered.

(Don't assume much from my poems--I write in character a lot.) ;)
[8] ALChemy › ecargo 24-Jan-06/2:05 PM Reply
You don't want to be refered to as "It" or "He/she" do you?
[8] ALChemy › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/2:21 PM Reply
You should have been here when me and Zodiac debated over what to call a non-designated gender.
[8] ALChemy 24-Jan-06/1:13 AM Reply
Seems like you want them to be anything but rams. Good luck with that.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/10:49 AM Reply
We want them to be gentle, that’s all. And we know it’s not their nature, at least for many rams. The poem overstates that, I admit, but it’s for emphasis. Good point.
[8] ALChemy › Dovina 24-Jan-06/11:07 AM Reply
But only "when" you want us to be gentle.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/11:09 AM Reply
What on earth do you mean? I always want a gentleman!
[8] ALChemy › Dovina 24-Jan-06/12:01 PM Reply
Oh look the irony detector went off:)
[9] INTRANSIT 24-Jan-06/1:18 PM Reply
e-c has most of it nailed but, "choose me a mate"? Drop the -me- and i shant be bugged a-more.
[10] elderking 24-Jan-06/9:20 PM Reply
I liked this alot. Very good.
[8] amanda_dcosta 25-Jan-06/10:23 AM Reply
This piece is written well, although there's times of break in flow and idea. Maybe with a bit of rearrangement of words you could do better.
[n/a] Dovina › amanda_dcosta 25-Jan-06/10:28 AM Reply
Yeah, several have said similar things. Thanks. I've already revised it, and could ropost, but usually don't. I find it more useful to incorporate any insights or angsts into the new thing.
[8] Ranger 28-Jan-06/12:15 PM Reply
Yes, clever and entertaining, I like this one.
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 28-Jan-06/12:21 PM Reply
Thanks, but I'm toying with a revision to improve the meter and rhyme. Maybe thei:

Born under Aries, you can call me ewe
Rams batter (I’m flattered)
bruising brothers with butts
to garner my favor

I bleat for the black one
roll eyes at the spotted
then gloat as their heads
collide all the harder

If they knew what I want
they’d give up the fight
build nests like the thrush
and sing at first light

I’d examine their dwellings
for comfort and view
hear scratchings of ramhorns
then bleat, maybe coo

But my suitors keep butting
like blood-sucking fleas
who plant killer germs
in animals they need

Why can’t these rams
go to work and stay busy
gather nuts like the squirrel
suck nectar like bees?

And remember when they
like this lamb at my side
though gone far as the salmon
come home with the tide

We could flee this herd
mate softly in peace
shun sheep without vision
who can fight if they please