poemranker ::untitled #2 by darby pyn

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Lyric № 13779

untitled #2

by darby pyn

Member since 2002 · Posted 8 Sep 2002 · Edited 8 Sep 2002 · 3 comments

You wear your ego like a cape. a regal cloak a vane escape. you smile like a new disquise afraid to look me in the eyes. a stolen thought you made your own loss of skin only bone. concrete demeanor you exhale with every lie that you tell. solid body with no lucid vision suffocating in your decision. now your caught in plain sight slowly dying in the light. like a rose with too much sun petals wither an come undone. falling with no safety net a cold collision the final debt.

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mean 6.00 weighted 5.12 rank 5725 views 158 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

3 comments

[8] OneFingerAnswer 8-Sep-02/8:54 PM Reply
Good job. (Check for typos though)
[n/a] darby pyn › OneFingerAnswer 8-Sep-02/9:06 PM Reply
thanx finger.
[n/a] niyama 28-Dec-03/3:17 AM Reply
It starts really strong I think, then seems to lose momentum and organization. I really like the lines “You wear your ego like a cape”, and “you smile
like a new disguise afraid to look me in the
eyes.” And “like a rose with too much sun petals
wither an come undone”

A couple of suggestions:
It might be helpful to re-arrange breaks to add some structure, for example (made a couple of grammatical suggestions in brackets too):

You wear your ego like a cape.
a regal cloak, a vane escape.
You[r] smile, like a new [disguise]
afraid to look me in the eyes.

From this point on, it gets kind of confusing, feels almost as though phrases are missing, you may want to add a touch here and there to give the reader some guidance. All in all I enjoyed your imagery, but needed more to really connect with what is going on in the work.