Simon's Legacy (draft)

Member since 2002 · Posted 28 Feb 2006 · Edited 28 Feb 2006 · 4 comments

I was your womb sonic a prince of failed grain harvested from liquor off the M43 near Glasgow. You were my Mother the darling of curbs who fed me needles and a breast for subway coins. My Father was my brother he once played with matches for fire brought attention and a red chariot of stern Fathers. My brother was my hero he saved me many times and saved himself till I left Mum to hang himself from his fire truck. At my brothers funeral I gave my Mum a present, the sonogram of Simon and the note he left, the next day i saw her she wore a long black dress and looked like Ava Garner.

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mean 7.00 weighted 5.24 rank 4076 views 264 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

4 comments

[8] ALChemy 28-Feb-06/8:05 AM Reply

I'd like to see a word after "mother" in L1 S2 to reflect the "womb sonic" line.
To say my brother became my father might be a little less confusing in S3. I'm not sure how he managed hang himself from his firetruck.
Some hardcore stuff here though.

[8] Ranger 1-Mar-06/11:22 AM Reply

Emotive, as usual

[9] INTRANSIT 1-Mar-06/3:00 PM Reply

"Draft" o' the day. Cheers!

[10] Sunny 6-Apr-06/11:17 AM Reply

I don't rate like that, well, ever since I became a member of this site. Penetrable (I can relate to family suicide as well). Your poem as a whole was brilliantly thought up & scorched onto paper (or post). No more I can say about this except it deserves much better ratings than it has recieved...I can see the incredible talent in this peice.

~Sunny