poemranker ::The Ocean by Fayt

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Haiku № 140209

The Ocean

by Fayt

Member since 2004 · Posted 6 Mar 2006 · Edited 7 Mar 2006 · 14 comments

Salty ocean waves, Always moving with the wind, Bringing life to all.

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14 comments

[8] ALChemy 6-Mar-06/9:19 AM Reply
Unless the ocean's name is "Sweet" I suggest losing the possesive form. While your at it change "Sweet" to something else. The ocean's not sweet it's salty. What's with all the caps in the first line.
[n/a] Fayt › ALChemy 6-Mar-06/9:57 AM Reply
Your right, i just wrote it and posted it before i walked out of my last class. I didnt take the time to edit it, ill do it now.
[n/a] Fayt › ALChemy 6-Mar-06/9:58 AM Reply
and i like it better without the possessive as well now that you mention it, ill take that out as well.
[7] Ranger 6-Mar-06/11:09 AM Reply
I hate to say it but you're a syllable over. Change 'water' to 'spray', perhaps, that would fix it.
[n/a] Fayt › Ranger 7-Mar-06/9:56 AM Reply
i changed it up a bit and didnt realise that i added a extra syllable, i fixed it up.
[7] Ranger › Fayt 7-Mar-06/9:59 AM Reply
Yes, it works better now.
[7] lmp 6-Mar-06/12:14 PM Reply
i like this, but i'm going to engage in some semantics here: the ocean doesn't bring life to anyone/anything. in fact, it doesn't bring. life exists because of the ocean's properties, but a fair amount of death happens because of the ocean, also.
i like the ocean. i like what you have written. i guess i just see the ocean as a formidable force of nature that can cut in both directions. this haiku shows only one edge of the blade.
[7] Ranger › lmp 6-Mar-06/12:23 PM Reply
Rain brings life, and comes from the ocean, so indirectly Fayt can be forgiven.
[6] Dovina 6-Mar-06/12:46 PM Reply
Ocean water moves more with its deep currents than with the wind. Perhaps you mean that the apparent movement of waves is with the wind.
[n/a] ecargo › Dovina 6-Mar-06/1:19 PM Reply
Actually, strong winds and a long fetch cause huge seas and lots of water/wave movement.
[n/a] Fayt › Dovina 7-Mar-06/9:57 AM Reply
The change i made may make you like it better; let me know.
[6] Dovina › Fayt 7-Mar-06/11:57 AM Reply
Waves move because the wind drives them, but the water in the waves only moves in little circles, with a small amount of foreward motion. So this edit is an improvement. The word "always" isn't quite right though, because sometimes waves are created by a long fetch of wind in a particular direction, but then they keep going after the wind changes or because the waves move beyond where the wind is. And the last line is troubling with "all" for similar reasons. Some life is not brought from the waves.
[7] BenRice 9-Mar-06/12:43 PM Reply
Usually a haiku has a sort of pause or break after either the first or second line. This one doesn't, but in this case I think it works because of the continual movement of the waves. I'm not a fan of the last line though. The word "Salty" works against it (I don't think salty water as life-giving). It sounds a bit trite too, "to all"? really? With the right change in that last line, this could be a very good haiku, imho.
[5] Silverjackel 18-Mar-06/7:57 PM Reply
The only problem I have with it is it is an incomplete sentence, "bringing" being in the present tense form. You might try:
Gentle ocean waves,
Always moving with the wind
Breathe a life to all
But I'm not trying to write it for you. In fact, I don't really like what I wrote either X(