poemranker ::The Devil's Carnival by Ranger

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Villanelle № 140590

The Devil's Carnival

by Ranger

Member since 2002 · Posted 12 Mar 2006 · 20 comments

Flashing lights become a string of pearls Flailing arm a blur in fast descent Crashing down so quick, this crying girl A measured joke designed by grinning churl Laughter follows cracks in porcelain Flashing lights become a string of pearls Merry, aren't you in this teacup twirl? Spinning swifter - see how far you bend! Crashing down so quick, this crying girl A banner of the devil's face unfurls Crossing tents of concentrating men Flashing lights become a string of pearls Sing for us, you fragile little merle Body blackened, blue eyes look so zen Crashing down so quick, this crying girl Let us paint your face with streaks and swirls Tomorrow you must visit us again! Flashing lights become a string of pearls Crashing down so quick, this crying girl

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20 comments

[9] ecargo 12-Mar-06/12:07 PM Reply
Makes me think of Blackpool Pleasure Beach, all of those incredibly cool dark rides you guys have; a girl on a ride crying. Your repeating lines are pretty good, Ranger, and the imagery here is well done. Not sure about churl and merle, but otherwise, this is very cool.
[n/a] Ranger › ecargo 12-Mar-06/12:14 PM Reply
With any luck the images of bullying will come through as well...otherwise I have some work to do!

I did wonder whether or not churl and merle would work...my preference is to be as varied with rhymes as possible, but I might have overstepped slightly here.
[9] ecargo › Ranger 12-Mar-06/12:24 PM Reply
re: bullying--it does come through, in the black and blue, in the grinning and the laughing, etc. The mottling of merle works, I think (had to look up "merle"--I only know it from Robert Plant singing about his dog, Strider--a blue-eyed merle--a million years ago); you probably even get away with churl because this has something of an "out of time" feel to it.
[n/a] Ranger › ecargo 12-Mar-06/12:27 PM Reply
Bron-Y-Aur Stomp? I love that song!
It's the only reason I know what it means too...who said Zeppelin weren't educational?
[9] ecargo › Ranger 12-Mar-06/12:28 PM Reply
;-D
[n/a] Ranger › ecargo 12-Mar-06/12:34 PM Reply
Dammit...now I'm in the mood for Zep III...*reaches for CD*
[9] Niphredil 12-Mar-06/12:14 PM Reply
Extremely cool indeed. I loved "Flashing lights become a string of pearls"... for some reason, the initial image it conjured up was of the glowing circle the lights of a ferris wheel would describe if it were spinning very fast... and then slowing down, until each light is individually distinguishable, a string (well, more like a ring) of pearls.
[n/a] Ranger › Niphredil 12-Mar-06/12:16 PM Reply
Spot on, although it's also meant to represent tears...this one has a darker side to it than anything else I've posted.
As always, your comments are appreciated!
[n/a] Ranger › Ranger 12-Mar-06/12:17 PM Reply
By the way, there were three villanelles on here that I learnt villanelle writing from; your 'Nightfall' was one of them.
[9] Niphredil › Ranger 12-Mar-06/12:30 PM Reply
Wow. I'm honored...

It really is a good job, though. You've got on the one hand, the swiftly moving lines of the carnival action spinning out of control, and on the other hand, the cruelty and brutality implied in "flailing arm", "body blackened", "laughter follows cracks in porcelain". They work together well, creating a overall creepiness reminiscent of the Joker.
[10] faithmairee 12-Mar-06/12:19 PM Reply
Wow! This is extremely well written! The flow was wonderful and your delivery very powerful.
[n/a] Ranger › faithmairee 12-Mar-06/12:22 PM Reply
Thank you...vils are my new favourite style, but oh so challenging!
[10] faithmairee 12-Mar-06/12:25 PM Reply
The pleasure was mine. You get a 10 from me for such a great poem!
[8] drnick 12-Mar-06/6:15 PM Reply
Another good one, nice title...my favorite line is one of the repeated lines, "flashing lights become a string of pearls," because its so gosh darn purdy. back to homework.
[9] Dovina 13-Mar-06/8:19 AM Reply
Well done with a difficult form. It's not entirely fair to point out story glitches in a vil, but indulge me. The girl begins crying, destraught. Then, in verse 3, she is merry. From there on, it flows well.
[n/a] Ranger › Dovina 13-Mar-06/8:30 AM Reply
A fair point - there is a purpose to the word choice there. First (and least of all) it's in keeping with the fairground 'merry-go-round' theme. Second, it's one of the reactions you'd tend to get from ride attendants to children who've suddenly decided they don't like the ride they're on. And thirdly it attempts to encapsulate the sort of attitude of people who gang up on individuals for kicks (no pun intended); they quite clearly can't understand why it's distressing for the individual being pushed around (teacup twirl). With any luck, that explanation will make things a bit clearer.
Personally I despise the theme in this, but as a poem I think it works quite well.
[10] INTRANSIT 13-Mar-06/2:51 PM Reply
If there's anything wrong here, I can't find it. I saw a girl being tortured by others on an amusement ride or she was forced to ride and she didn't want to. Now I'm going to read the remarks and see how I did.
[n/a] Ranger › INTRANSIT 13-Mar-06/2:55 PM Reply
Not bad at all - you pretty much condensed both meanings into one =D
[8] Blue Magpie 13-Mar-06/11:22 PM Reply
Generally speaking I found it well written, but Crashing down, worried me, it seems just not quite right.
[9] LilMsLadyPoet 16-Jun-06/10:28 AM Reply
Crashing down makes one think the ride crashed, in the end...which WOULD have taught all those nasty grinners a lesson...but doubt you meant to imply that there.
Good job with this!
I DO hate to see someone on a ride they thought they would like, only to become distressed...and to think some get their jollies from watching this unfold...disturbing; and well crafted in this piece.