Free verse № 140957
Mid-July
Night lay thick in mid-July -
Sombre clock was softly speaking
Pallid face a moon, a beacon
Desperate spectre stood there, seeking
For the secret to deny
Fever's haste that would arise along the final, failing cries
Of those condemned with no reprise
Fades to faint, despairing sigh
Sickness conquers in disguise of breath serene, of Death denied
Frustrated search for holy prize
But tonight a daughter dies -
Dying breath was all I saw
At this grim-toned voice I trembled
For it seemed that there assembled
Cerberus, her eyes resembled
Citadels of steel and gore
Now her face, her features laid in portrait's mirror - lines and shading Turned to chapel hall she prayed in
Tell me! Tell me, I implore!
Must she lay in darkness fading - pine cask, lilies all arrayed in
Lines; a stone wall barricading
Will she see tomorrow's dawn?
Standing by this fire, this haven
Where she oft shone - still I, craven
Could not face the knowledge, braving
Grief; another heart at war
Chill by flame and ash cascading, broken, yet I took the painting
Canvas frame she sat displayed in
Noting every fault and flaw
Bright, her stare began to smoulder
Dancing blaze upon her shoulder
Promised she would grow no older
Solemnly this oath they swore
Swore that she would ever lie
Burning as the tongues devoured
Love's last smile, that ghastly hour
Never wilting, ember's flower
Looking back with shining eyes
Fever gone, the last goodbyes; the sound and silence harmonise
Oh Death! - whose hand I do despise -
Lead her gently this July
By her bedside crystals bleeding
Light turns sapphire, darkness ceding
Clutching sorrow, sadness leading
Lead her gently this July
25 comments
[_] AABBCC rhyming scheme
[_] About romantic love
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[_] Arbitrary line breaks
[X] Autobiographical but in the third person
[X] Braggadocious
[_] Clerical errors
[X] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[X] Cliched adolescent metaphors of darkness for despair etc.
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[_] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[X] Melodramatic
[X] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[X] Overabundance of ellipses
[X] Overuse of Latinate words and/or convoluted sentence structures
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[X] Sanctimoniously moral
[X] Sappy
[_] Suicide-related
[_] Wish fulfilment
That having been said, I'll get rid of the warning...I was kind of hoping someone would tell me it wasn't necessary.
The poem is terrific! A little polish, perhaps, would be in order to earn this a round 10, but as it is, the flow is excellent (and I have no doubt that was tough...) , it reads well and is quite beautiful to top it off.
Little critique with "Cerberus, her eyes resembled".
The 'her' is unclear. If you're talking about your daughter (as it seems, since you continue to use 'her' in following sentences) then 'steel and gore' sounds way out of place. If you're talking about Cerberus, well... it ain't female!
"Must she lay in darkness fading" - change 'lay' to 'lie'.
I also think that 'reprise' in line 7 is misplaced. It means the recurrence or renewal of an action, not an amnesty or pardon. I think.
That aside, it really is a lovely piece of work.
You've picked up on the major points that I was (and still am) concerned about (I did notice 'lay' was wrong, why I didn't change it is beyond me...)
I wasn't sure whether or not I could get away with 'reprise'...I thought maybe I could twist the meaning a little for it (renewal of life, perhaps) but I don't think it works.
With the Cerberus part, I was talking about the girl (not my daughter, if I have one I'm certainly not aware of her!) The initial draft was 'For it seemed that Hell assembled/Cerberus, her eyes resembled', as if I were seeing the underworld in her dying stare, but I felt that 'Hell' was a little too...well, pimply for this piece.
As ALChemy said; this piece will probably take about a million more edits to get right.
Thanks for all the feedback so far!
"But tonight a daughter dies",
but I guess you were talking about 'a daughter', in a general sort of way, not your own.
One of the best from you me thinks :-)
Good to see you about!
An enjoyable read!
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