poemranker ::Morning City by Jack Diamond

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Free verse № 141955

Morning City

by Jack Diamond

Member since 2006 · Posted 6 Apr 2006 · Edited 7 Apr 2006 · 11 comments

Free way hum distant horns turning avid chirping musing my cracked eye open dawn always comes first Back alley dialect hobo toiling bottles cat fight ghetto chimes spitfire Mexican hellcat polka a frantic low frequency vibrates my spine Sweetbread and laundry soap smells like the panaderia where I score need more sleep too many doors though a peaceful drift at 3:am I have laied my pet in this trap again I'm deep into it through the roof away from hard waters free of the grip looking forward with bent hip my starting gun is loaded.

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11 comments

[8] Ranger 7-Apr-06/12:11 AM Reply
'lays' (line 18) should be 'lies', I think. I'm very tired right now so I might be wrong. I like this although 3am seemed wrong - either you've stepped back in time or you guys start seriously early. 7am would have worked better, to me at least. Cool last line.
[n/a] Jack Diamond › Ranger 7-Apr-06/11:29 AM Reply
Thank you for your comment. You are right about lays, so I changed it. As far as the three A.M. bit goes, I woke
up at three A.M. every morning for over a year when I was single, secluded, and starving to create. If I didn't get up, my cat would attack me. The reason I believe is because we lived in the middle of the city in what one would call a shoe box single, and the only time he went outside was when I accompanied him. I guess I will leave the line "though a peaceful drift at three A.M." vague in that sense. Hoping the reader could imagine how peacful life can be at three in the morning when you live in the middle of a big city. I felt as though I was taking control of my time without distraction.
[8] Ranger › Jack Diamond 7-Apr-06/12:50 PM Reply
Aha, I guess I missed that bit. Perhaps for the sake of clarity you might want to work in a line just hinting a little more that it's your cat waking you...I only say this because stanza 1 is a great description of dawn, but I've never known dawn to arrive that early. It is a very peaceful poem though.
[9] INTRANSIT 7-Apr-06/10:27 AM Reply
spitfire Mexican hellcat polka- Right on. Lays/Lies, let it slide. beaterrific
[n/a] Jack Diamond › INTRANSIT 7-Apr-06/11:42 AM Reply
Thank you for the comment. I thought I'd give mind to an edit just for reaction value. I was in that sort of mood this morning although I am the type to just let it slide too.
I really prefer first reactions to last. I can also be a sucker for rewording what I can't completely explain anyway. I'm glad you've enjoyed the ride.
[9] INTRANSIT 7-Apr-06/11:18 AM Reply
panaderia is better. but while you're getting nutty about laid, why not leid.
[n/a] Jack Diamond › INTRANSIT 18-Apr-06/9:23 AM Reply
Settling for laied made me realize, hey, I guess I put my cat in this situation with me instead of giving him to some rich folk to ponder on. I can just picture him laided out on this little night stand I found and placed by my window. He would lay most night and day on that thing until I accompanied him outside for a walk.
[9] Caducus 10-Apr-06/1:32 AM Reply
Reminds me of an early 'intransit' style poetry yet the confidence in your writing shows and its very stylistic. Like your bebut (well for me anyway)
[8] ecargo 10-Apr-06/7:23 AM Reply
Pretty good--a little staccato in the beginning. Good details though.
[n/a] Jack Diamond › ecargo 18-Apr-06/9:11 AM Reply
I agree. It is very staccato in the begining. I have to tell you, that my walls were paper thin, I had those slit window/blinds, and lived right next to a freeway. One of the busiest in the world. The ally adjacent to my living space was very active morning noon, and night. Homeless, junkies, prostitues,
and even death have been through that alley. For all the frantic pulse in that time, there were sweet city birds in the morning too. With my eyes closed, it sounded as though all of those creatures I had explained were all in the same room with me. So I do believe a sense of staccato was quite an inspiration for the poem. Thank you for the comment.
[9] Scarlett 20-Apr-06/12:59 PM Reply
The staccato in the beginning is fitting for the sounds you describe. It gives the reader the irritation of disruptive patterns, perfect for the setting of this. Enjoyed.