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meeting her gaze

Member since 2006 · Posted 17 Apr 2006 · 2 comments

your face, my love your lovely face has seen a transformation my meager rise its ceiling low falls short of inspiration the parcels of your face i see reflect no condemnation can Icarus spectacular survive humiliation

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2 comments

[7] Ranger 18-Apr-06/12:40 AM Reply

Okay, critique o'clock. Too many uses of 'face' in such a short piece; the first stanza made me think this was going to be humorous/parodying. Find either synonyms (there are plenty of online dictionaries for these sort of things) or use different images.
Second stanza is good, I enjoyed it.
'Parcels'? I didn't quite get anything so postal from this. Unless it's computing-based (I know just enough about technology to see there may be a connection). And again, 'face' appears too often.
Final stanza - good idea, although Icarus comes in a bit unexpectedly (I've been guilty of doing this myself, it's true). The only real clues you give beforehand are 'meager rise/its ceiling low' which isn't really enough. Good ending though.
I liked the form, I liked the rhythm and I liked the rhyme. I just think it needs the content worked on.

[n/a] digipoet › Ranger 18-Apr-06/3:19 PM Reply

thanks for the comments ... it is supposed to be a humorous piece about not being able to get it up. I did overuse "face" in the poem. The "parcels" of your face is not about computers or technology, but suggests that a face can carry a range of weighty messages. The subject of the poem is happy that condemnation is not one of these messages, but remains humiliated.

Maybe three stanzas would be better:

the parcels of
your face i see
reflect no condemnation

my meager rise
its ceiling low
falls short of inspiration

can Icarus
spectacular
survive humiliation