poemranker ::First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina

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Free verse № 142637

First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay

Member since 2004 · Posted 25 Apr 2006 · 12 comments

Children digging on the shore— splashing, running— primping little breasts. Hear the mighty waters roar, white peaks rising, falling, reaching up the sand for final frothy breaths, dying, glory gone. Only one child stops a while, stares at ancient waves, their long beginnings, rapid ends, sees them rise when shallow, bud as breasts, like all the rest. Better for their coming, she surmises, topple in their prime; then she’s off to play.

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12 comments

[8] Ranger 25-Apr-06/5:33 PM Reply
There are just a couple too many commas in here for my taste but no other problems to my eyes. Great description and I feel that there are many interpretations which could be attached to this. Stanza four was far and away the best.
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 25-Apr-06/5:41 PM Reply
It does seem salted heavily with commas. That's partly due to the grotesquely large size of commas in the font, and partly because grammetical correctness demands them, I believe. Still, it's often profitable to sacrifice grammar and health or looks.
[8] Ranger › Dovina 25-Apr-06/5:48 PM Reply
Well what I failed to say was that the benefit of having the commas is that it keeps the images brief like the spray from the waves, or like how the world appears when you dive into a wave.
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 26-Apr-06/10:18 AM Reply
Poemranker's been nearly dead for a week. Anybody care to tell me why.
[7] amanda_dcosta › Dovina 26-Apr-06/11:13 AM Reply
Is it because I have been away for sometime? Haha... I think that wd hardly matter though!
[7] amanda_dcosta 26-Apr-06/11:15 AM Reply
Hear the might waters roar..... that sounds like a common enough sentence with nothing new to it. More like a borrowed phrase.
[n/a] Dovina › amanda_dcosta 28-Apr-06/10:29 AM Reply
Although not borrowed, I think “mighty” sounds too antiquated. It’s gone.
[8] patty t 26-Apr-06/5:04 PM Reply
aren't most waves formed relatively near the shore? but I'm no oceanographer. *8
[8] Enkidu 27-Apr-06/8:46 PM Reply
Solid title, solid poem, 'nuff said.*8*
[9] Caducus 28-Apr-06/2:03 AM Reply
so perceptive and novel in description, adore line 3 for it made me visualize from there on.


last line s2 how about - dying to foam gasps.

Lots of potential it reads like a labour of love.
[n/a] Dovina › Caducus 28-Apr-06/10:30 AM Reply
Good idea on S2, L5. Thanks
[9] deleted user 29-Apr-06/3:45 PM Reply
I like the imagery in this--and its openess to interpretation.