poemranker ::the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) by Bill Z Bub

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 144427

the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated)

by Bill Z Bub

Member since 2002 · Posted 6 Jul 2006 · Edited 4 Mar 2009 · 6 comments

the only thing worse than living is the drone of unhooked phone. get stoned, and find that warm spot by the heater. an unexpected note and simple handshake are profound. death will come anyway, so wash out that wound, listen to the sound of morning traffic and don't forget to smash that asshole in the face when he comes around to collect.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 8.50 weighted 5.17 rank 5075 views 296 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

6 comments

[8] Ranger 6-Jul-06/2:21 PM Reply
Why the hell's this been zeroed?

Line 13 - "birds".
[n/a] Bill Z Bub › Ranger 6-Jul-06/2:28 PM Reply
Fair enough.
[8] ecargo 10-Jul-06/8:54 AM Reply
"(revised, liberated)"--hee.

I like how you get started. The "get stoned" seems too pat/rhymey as is--I'm not a big fan of second person perspectives ("you"), but I think adding "you" (or better, IMO, "I," making it about YOU, the person in the poem), as in "you get stoned, find that warm spot . . .) would make it flow better. I like the off/near rhyming (e.g., profound/wound/sound) and even the lack of a structured rhyme scheme--keeps it loose. "of morning's traffic at your window" seems wordy--maybe just "of morning traffic"? Sort of brings it to a pause. Last verse kind of loses me--seems out of spirit/feeling with the rest of the poem (aggressive where the rest is sort of languid).
[7] nentwined › ecargo 5-Mar-09/9:51 PM Reply
I think the shift at the last is kind of necessary for where it's aiming, but agree it misses the mark.

Overall the thing's too random for me, but it has some good stuff going on.

Still, why the weird spacing? Am I missing something, or is that just how you were "grooving" at the time?
[n/a] Bill Z Bub › nentwined 5-Mar-09/9:57 PM Reply
yeah that was just how I rolled, man.
[10] SupremeDreamer 7-Mar-09/2:37 PM Reply
I lived that moment once before... and many times after. The poem doesn't feel random or lacking to me at all. Then again, I'm perhaps an altogether different breed. Ten.