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Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk

Member since 2006 · Posted 30 Sep 2006 · Edited 1 Oct 2006 · 9 comments

Everyone mentions the weather, hurts when cut, bleeds real blood, cries gently. She scouted her next boyfriend from beside my bed; somewhere she knew this, knew what she had done. I watched it happen, breathed, carried boxes and feigned ignorance. Who played the bigger coward for not speaking out? All i know is wind cools the tears, night brings release and hell, i miss her.

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9 comments

[9] Ranger 30-Sep-06/6:48 AM Reply

A collection of haikus, unless I'm very much mistaken. This is good - it carries a certain amount of angst, but deals with it exceptionally well. The last stanza works wonders with the juxtaposing of release and hell, even if 'and hell,' is just an exclamatory expression. I'm not sure if you meant it in the sense of 'night brings release and hell/I miss her'. If so, bonus kudos!

[n/a] nypoet22 › Ranger 1-Oct-06/12:01 PM Reply

thank you much for your kind and frequent comments. taking into account your comments and others, i've pared down one stanza and revised my line breaks to flow more with the ideas of the story; see what you think of this version. i did notice the double entendre about hell, but that was after i wrote it, not before.

[9] Ranger › nypoet22 1-Oct-06/1:30 PM Reply

My pleasure :-)

It still works well. I like the high percentage of feminine line endings, it makes it gentle, yet slightly ragged (like bleeding cuts). Only thing I'd be wary of here - and I should have said this last time round - is that the first line is slightly awkward to link to the rest of that stanza. I assume you mean it in the sense that everyone mentions the weather, everyone hurts when cut, everyone bleeds real blood - but does everyone cry gently? I guess it's a bit of an unfair gripe to just pick at something minor like that, but when the rest's as good as it is, why not strive for perfection? ;-)

[8] Dovina 30-Sep-06/11:10 AM Reply

It's hard to tell a story with verses in haiku. And they are haiku only in meter. I think it's too restraining to do that. A good try though.

[n/a] nypoet22 › Dovina 30-Sep-06/4:57 PM Reply

not haiku, senryu. there are numerous different forms that use 5-7-5 syllabic meter. weather poem 3 is a renga, which is another 5-7-5 form.

[8] Dovina › nypoet22 30-Sep-06/5:07 PM Reply

I only meant that the 575 meter feels like it has you in a straightjacket in this application. I see no benefit to using it in a story such as this.

[n/a] nypoet22 › Dovina 1-Oct-06/11:50 AM Reply

good point. i never really planned for it to be senryu format, the words just sort of fell into it by accident, i guess because i've been using 5-7-5 with some frequency of late. i like the cadence the way it is, but i'm going to change the line breaks. see if you think it makes a difference.

[8] Dovina › nypoet22 1-Oct-06/3:30 PM Reply

I like it better this way, flows easier, less forced.

[4] nentwined 4-Oct-06/6:26 PM Reply

I disagree on the "Everyone cries gently". Some people cry only violently. Same with laughter. It can be frightening.

Doesn't feel forced, which is nice, but does feel trite, to me.