DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Sunset Beach

Member since 2005 · Posted 30 May 2007 · Edited 4 Aug 2007 · 15 comments

Let me paint you a picture in hues of purple and pink or maybe in orange or crimson with splashes of spice and peach. A touch of turquoise and tan could transform our dreary world into lovely walks along the sand as ocean waves unfurl. Seagulls in shades of white dive into the foamy surf to capture the shiny silvers that dwell below the swirls. The cotton candy clouds float across the flawless face of a serene summer day through golden sunlit rays. And here my scene unfolds as two souls they walk the sands of a dreamy paradise in the perfect lover's world..

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 5.60 weighted 5.07 rank 6571 views 299 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

15 comments

[6] Skamper 31-May-07/9:22 AM Reply

I do love to think in colour - but I can't get the image out of my head of seagulls with nice white teeth!

[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Skamper 4-Jun-07/7:44 PM Reply

I agree. Pearly whites isn't exactly the right word. Thanks for the feedback.

[n/a] richa 2-Jun-07/3:42 PM Reply

Don't like. Every so often someone posts a poem which pretty much lists different colours. I did it my self once. It just doesn't work.

[n/a] amanda_dcosta › richa 4-Jun-07/7:49 PM Reply

I guess it doesn't really work, but that doesn't justify not writing what comes to a writer's mind. But at the same time, I'll keep in mind that it doesn't cater to everyone's taste. Thanks all the same.

[8] Ranger 4-Jun-07/4:46 AM Reply

Nice musicality to this. One alteration I'd make - shiny into shining; it has a little more of an up-and-down cadence to it, rather like the waves.

[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Ranger 4-Jun-07/7:56 PM Reply

Hmmm.. shining ! Interesting.

Good to see you around. How are you and howz life? Still at Tesco? Right now we're doing a study on Tesco's billing system. :-)
And how far have you completed your course in philosophy, or theology (am not sure which)....? :-)

[9] ALChemy 4-Jun-07/6:32 AM Reply

Gorgeous flow in this poem makes you feel the waves. I'd lose the "S" in "Pearly whites" to get a 10. Otherwise it's a good poem that carries it's point and feeling across beautifully.

[n/a] amanda_dcosta › ALChemy 4-Jun-07/8:02 PM Reply

Hey, hey, hey... good to see you around. Thanks for the critique. Pearly white is much better than pearly whites..... or I've been thinking of even rephrasing it

Seagulls feathered white
dive into the foamy surf
to capture the shining silvers
that dwell below the swirls.

This might sound better. What do you think?

[8] Dovina 4-Jun-07/8:37 AM Reply

Is "spice" a color?
Could drop "the" from "the shiny." and "The cotton."
"dreamy paradise" sounds cliche.
the two above comments are good.
Otherwise good.

[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Dovina 4-Jun-07/8:11 PM Reply

Thanks D. Yes, spice is a color. Its a shade of brown seen in an artists' catalog of colors.
As for dropping 'the'..... not convincing. Changes the meter of the poem.
Dreamy paradise.... its supposed to leave the reader wanting more, or wondering.

[n/a] amanda_dcosta 4-Aug-07/8:31 AM Reply

I have now changed Stanza 3 line 1 to read "Seagulls in shades of while", which originally read "seagulls in pearly whites". Maybe this is a better option. What do you think?

[8] Dovina › amanda_dcosta 4-Aug-07/9:43 AM Reply

Do you mean "shades of white"?

[1] pete 8-Aug-07/4:45 PM Reply

puh..leeze

[9] deleted user 19-Aug-07/6:18 AM Reply

Nice flow and rhythm Amanda. You paint a perfect picture as the first line suggests. Very nice work.

[7] Dark Angle 2-Dec-07/1:35 PM Reply

Nice flow, the first line doesn't work for me though, same goes for the last stanza...