poemranker ::Missing - You by Skamper

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Free verse № 154563

Missing - You

by Skamper

Member since 2007 · Posted 26 Nov 2007 · Edited 26 Nov 2007 · 7 comments

a little out of breath a little far from sane closer to the stage farther from the rain a quiet corner weeps a quiet whisper sighs closer to the grave farther from the lies a secret life is lived a secret smile is asked farther from the play closer to the act in dimming of the lights in closing of the door your shadow will remain I always wanted more

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mean 9.00 weighted 5.48 rank 2825 views 241 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

7 comments

[n/a] INTRANSIT 26-Nov-07/6:17 PM Reply
Line 9. sectet? dic.com couldn't find it.
[n/a] Skamper › INTRANSIT 26-Nov-07/10:37 PM Reply
ah! that's because you would need to look at typo.com

no matter how many times you read and re-read to make sure its all OK, sometimes a typo so obvious just fails to be noticed. Must be the mind telling the eye it's wrong...many thanks.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Skamper 27-Nov-07/7:40 AM Reply
allow me to continue being nitty. -and- closing of the door?
I'm only trying to find ways to improve this- if that is even possible. I think it pretty much does what it's supposed to.
[n/a] Skamper › INTRANSIT 29-Nov-07/3:15 AM Reply
I know it's such an overused phrase - too easy yeah?
[9] Dovina 27-Nov-07/8:43 PM Reply
It has a good rhythm and a good subtle message. Would be nice if the Word 2 pattern continued: little, quiet, secret, . . . rain/sane rhyme seems a bit forced. Verse 2 is my favorite. The last line is disappointing and vague, seems unsupported.
[n/a] Skamper › Dovina 29-Nov-07/3:20 AM Reply
Iv'e been messing about with this one Dovina, to get the last stanza working as I see it, to no avail. I might leave it for a bit and see if anything shows up later. The rain/sane has bearing though - we are both a little unstable and we met in the rain...ah! so romantic, a couple of soggy fruit loops :)
[8] Dark Angle 1-Dec-07/10:34 PM Reply
Nice flow.