On Clipped Wings

Member since 2008 · Posted 2 May 2008 · 1 comment

He awakens in a tree; the forest thick, with trees entwined; the sunlight crafts a light brown landscape of thin branches; He KNOWS he can fly. He takes off, exhilerated. He flies free and forward; after awhile he stops to rest. He looks at his perch and recognizes it; it is the same branch of which he awoke. His freedom lies secure, in ignorance; obliterated in truth. He believed he was free; He thought he had broken free of his cage. He sees freedom is... but a bigger aviary.

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1 comment

[7] half.italian 4-May-08/8:31 PM Reply

I would suggest trying to take out 90% of the "he"s in the poem. Each time, try to find a different way to approach the line/stanza. For example:

"""
He takes off, exhilarated.
Cutting wind with feathery knives
only to rest after exhausting the morning's meal.
"""

The above is not quite right, but you can see what I'm getting at. Try to add more variation. Another thing. Usually you can find a better approach to emphasize a phrase without using punctuation. Instead of putting a word in CAPS, make the description (in lowercase) strong enough to evoke the emotion you want without caps.

Good poem!

~half.italian