song of the birds

Member since 2002 · Posted 9 Oct 2002 · 4 comments

i walk in the forest i hear the crisp leaves crunch beneath my feet the sunlight shines upon my face the hawk cries i feel it's pain i smell the the forest i feel calm i watch the clouds pass by above my head i feel so alive i look around i feel so alone all by myself i have nothing left the golden sun hides from me the forest turns black it is no longer my friend the hawk cries once again i feel it's pain i feel my pain

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 3.00 weighted 4.46 rank 12859 views 97 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

4 comments

[4] <~> 9-Oct-02/8:36 AM Reply

how is this a song of birds? sounds more like a diary entry of a teenage girl who needs to get out and live a little.

[5] Blue Magpie 9-Oct-02/8:54 AM Reply

Hi Rainbow,
Is there a reason you have left out the punctuation and capitalisation, they are one of a poet's tools and give you more scope to express yourself if used properly.

The title is a little misleading here, but the experience is real enough, I have been there, it would be a better poem if you had identified the inner shadow more fully, why should you suddenly become selfconciously aware of your aloneness rather than of the forest's beauty. The answer is all in your mind.

[n/a] UnityMitford 9-Oct-02/11:26 AM Reply

something tells me the hawk isn't in pain but is announcing to his buddies that you're going to be dinner. you have "the" twice in the second stanza.

[4] LilMsLadyPoet 14-Jun-05/4:28 PM Reply

Note:people often get these confused. If you think: its > means it belongs to it! its pain, his pain, her pain. It's means >IT IS! It is pain! (I am sure you saw typo of "i smell the the forest") Other than that, I don't understand you moving from one feeling to the next so swiftly. You have the sun shining on your face, you feel its pain, you feel calm, so alive, then so alone, then as if you have nothing left, and you feel your pain. Think of this as a paining...how in the owrld would you paint this scene? I can't paint the picture in my mind, either...because you keep changing the scenery on me! Pick a scene and then paint it for me...make me feel it, smell it, hear it, see it. Either paint it as a painful picture, OR a calming picture...whatever, but pick one and make it clear. When you are proficient at that, then perhaps try to move from one scene into another, or paint the scene in the midst of a change.