Free verse № 19900

The Waking

Member since 2002 · Posted 11 Oct 2002 · 2 comments

What once was black is now seen clear I wake upon the street With thoughts of mine that fly about To concepts of deceit I recognize across my face The hard December rain I lie there with my wounds revealed And soul constrewed with pain The choices made on night before Found waste in foolish plight Like wings of death flown deep upon The darkness of the night And saved but one the chance of fate A chance no man can give Which took the hour of scorn and sin And taught me how to live Now looking back on one who hate Instead of one who cared Had known the evil come that night I never would have dared What once was black is now seen clear I never should have dared

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mean 5.10 weighted 5.05 rank 6818 views 94 View voting details →

10 votes so far. Yours would make 11.10 votes so far

2 comments

[6] Blue Magpie 11-Oct-02/5:25 AM Reply

Hi,
I like the fact that this has some rhyme and rhythm, not that that is essential, but it oftens adds well. However there are a number of places where simple adjustments could make improvements.

for example.

The choices made on night before
The choices made the night before

substituting the for on here makes the whole thing more grammatical and flows just as well, thus it is easier on the mind.

[8] Nicholas Jones 11-Oct-02/5:48 AM Reply

I like this a lot, but is 'constrewed' a word? Do you mean construed, or constrained? If you've made it up, that's ok, though - Shakespeare did it all the time, so you're in good company.