poemranker ::Blinded by Dostoyevsky

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Lyric № 38158

Blinded

by Dostoyevsky

Member since 2003 · Posted 27 Jan 2003 · Edited 12 Mar 2003 · 5 comments

Time slipping down frozen sand grains, Through a soul thats trapped in chains, Loosing my self in a drowning pool, For you im anything, i play the fool, Locked up hearts in a gilded cage, Nothing more than writing on a page, Words to you are lifes little game, Written for you, they dont mean the same, Perfect dreams of you like siren songs, For you i'll leave where my heart belongs, Lost and alone on a cloudless night, You are my inspiration, my one, my sight,

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 4.00 weighted 4.73 rank 11777 views 184 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

5 comments

[6] marvelis 12-Mar-03/8:03 PM Reply
started strong but diminished after the first 4 lines. Too many commas, although it was intentional I guessing. But the idea is very good in my opinion.
[10] lunar 13-Mar-03/2:20 PM Reply
yay wonderfully good i love it
[6] Ranger 15-Mar-03/2:27 PM Reply
Did I not say before that "Loosing" should be "Losing"? Not to worry.
I still don't like the 1st 2 lines, they still need something less frequently used. Perhaps:
"Thoughts sliding down onto the floor
From a mind which reamins so unsure"

Keep working on it and it'll get there in the end. Why delete all the previous comments? Keep them to remind you of the progress you make (it also makes people really impressed when you've got loads of comments and they'll look at your poem and leave their own comment).
Anyway, I've given you my thoughts on yours, now give me yours on mine ya selfish bastard.
[6] Ranger 6-Apr-03/8:09 AM Reply
Right, here it is. I've been thinking about this one a bit and whereas there's some good stuff I believe that you should try to inject some beauty into it. The bit that gets me is 'drowning pool'. That has no relevance to the poem. Use a better adjective-one that's more truthful or change the line a bit. What about "Tumbling under this troubled pool". Well maybe not that but you get the idea.
[0] Yardbird 13-Apr-03/12:56 PM Reply
It's not getting any better for you, is it? 0.