poemranker ::Lost love by Mikius

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Free verse № 48204

Lost love

by Mikius

Member since 2002 · Posted 28 Apr 2003 · 5 comments

Pain Shoots through me Like some sword-wound, deep in my heart Someone has cut open my chest But it’s not, It’s just love Just maybe, somewhere along the way I got lost. I love her. I never meant To hurt her so. To scare her or use her Inside and out Like something Something to be used No I love her Now she has left Left me alone With my thoughts With my mind Dark and twisted Poisonous thought Taking root Evil No I never meant to hurt her Or scare her so I love her I love her

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mean 2.60 weighted 4.71 rank 11943 views 196 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

5 comments

[8] Bobjim 28-Apr-03/3:59 PM Reply
YOUR PUNCTUATION IS BUGGERED! YOU ILLETERATE GOON!
I OUGHT TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A DICTIONARY!
[0] god'swife 29-Apr-03/2:21 AM Reply
So...

The structure is good,

but

you
are
not
saying
anything
really.
Where
are
the
specifics.

Somewhere????? Tell exactly where.
'I loved her'? How???? Tell me what you did hold her hand.... walk her dog..... read to her grandmother..... lick her pussy......
I mean, come on, what's your story????

'she left me alone with my thoughts' so what?
what the fuck where you thinking? That's what I want to know. I can't think your thoughts, show them to me.

"I never meant to hurt her" Hoooooooowwwwwww did you hurt her? Scare her? Haaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooowwww? Don't tell me nothing, tell me something.
[n/a] Mikius › god'swife 29-Apr-03/1:46 PM Reply
I think you misunderstand. My aim here was to make it unspecific, alluring to a feeling rather than a set place or time. I appreciate you comments, but it's not the direction I want to take the poem in. The idea is more of the man trapped within himself, talking to no-one but himself, and torn, cast aside. I feel someone in that state is to emotionally involved to look back and smile, or remind himself as he is plagued with self doubt.

Anyway, I appreciate your help and might consider doing something along those lines, but if you don't like this as it is, I'm sorry, but I don't plan to radically re-work it (for the moment, anyway)
[n/a] Ranger 29-Apr-03/10:33 AM Reply
With this I see promise, read what gw said and take it in, then redraft this. I won't vote this time round, I will let you edit it first.
Keep it going mon ami
[2] leonxic 12-Aug-06/6:18 PM Reply
Too much stolen imagery. Unoriginal.