poemranker ::Forsaken Faults by DeadtotheWorld

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Free verse № 54275

Forsaken Faults

by DeadtotheWorld

Member since 2003 · Posted 28 Jun 2003 · 6 comments

The struggling scientist calculating in his lab Not realizing what a great life he has had Not knowing what to do next The scientist stays up from midnight to eight Not knowing what he just did that’s great He has just cured cancer and he’s not going to stop He has just realized theirs a formula he has to drop To make the solution of world hunger a reality Then the lonely bum on the street wakes up He now know this will never happen, it was just a dream

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6 comments

[1] horus8 29-Jun-03/2:33 PM Reply
Boy, when I watch the gears in your mind spin, I have to reassure myself that there's always sundials just in case me and you are the last two alive.
[n/a] DeadtotheWorld › horus8 29-Jun-03/8:35 PM Reply
Ok sounds good
[n/a] DreamerSupreme 29-Jun-03/11:18 PM Reply
hrmm.. first we start with the scientist and then suddenly its a bum... I dont really know what to say.. _shrug_ Had an interesting beginning, but it ended sharply and left me slightly jangled.
[n/a] DeadtotheWorld › DreamerSupreme 29-Jun-03/11:20 PM Reply
Well this poem basically mean this bum wasted his life he could have been a scientist and it was just his dream and it will never happen
[n/a] SupremeDreamer › DeadtotheWorld 30-Jun-03/8:29 AM Reply
ah, ok ok. I see. btw, i notice some sort of pattern with the first words of each line in your poem:

The
Not
Not
The
Not
He
He
To
Then
He

I suggest thinking of better ways to start your lines.. and to avoid such dull repetition of these words. Dont feel bad, I'm working on not using the word I, so your not alone in learning how to be more creatively flexible with language.
[n/a] DeadtotheWorld › SupremeDreamer 30-Jun-03/12:00 PM Reply
yeah ok I know i have to be more creative thanx for the info, good looking out