poemranker ::Something's gone wrong by zodiac

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Pimple № 85208

Something's gone wrong

by zodiac

Member since 2004 · Posted 4 Feb 2004 · Edited 4 Feb 2004 · 23 comments

A half-empty glass of water sits on your bedside table, among tissues and brown bottles. A wrong number getting me up late, it hits me suddenly about the glass and undoes a night’s good sleep: yeah, something’s amiss here; something’s definitely gone wrong. And it’s a long night coming; solitary cars buzz by outside on the highway, and the hiss and catch and hiss of your breathing like an old song goes: something’s wrong, wrong. If I were young enough to shake you awake, call it quits, step out of the house into the throng- ing dark, I know I couldn’t because what's wrong - I am. So I kiss your damp hair thinking you'll wake late from this dead sleep, and maybe tell me what it was about me I ought to have noticed all along.

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mean 6.94 weighted 6.94 rank 168 views 733 View voting details →

36 votes so far. Yours would make 37.36 votes so far

A favorite of Signature, thepinkbunnyofdoom.

23 comments

[8] Lenore 4-Feb-04/9:21 AM Reply
Something's gone wrong with this poem. It leaves me with hate. You- for being what's wrong. Her- for being a coward. The ending- for being too abrupt. I can't like it. Yet this is one of the best poems here.
[n/a] zodiac › Lenore 4-Feb-04/11:44 AM Reply
LENORE: I am not the narrator of this poem. Please do not extrapolate. The narrator is a fictional assistant producer of guided meditational cds on an unknown label, speaking from his palatial (yet oddly sterile) LA-hills bungalow. The ending is abrupt because immediately after speaking the last line he falls asleep. You might argue that this ending is not realistic or in keeping with the situation built by the first stanzas, to which I would answer that the fantastical fictional framework of the fictional asst producer I have created allows me to do whatever the fuck I want with him. And I pretty much ran out of rhymes for 'was' ('fuzz' and 'scuzz' not being able to fit in a productive way,) and along (ditto for 'dong', 'schlong', and 'bong'.) Since you will apparently rampage until someone critiques your last post, I will do us all a favor.
[9] SupremeDreamer 4-Feb-04/9:48 PM Reply
I like it- my only problem with it is the use of "thronging", which doesn't sound right.. perhaps

"enough to shake you awake, call it quits,
step out of the house into the [crowded darkness] (or) [tense {or hectic} dark]"

Or something, because "throng" is a verb; def: press tightly together or cram- which makes little sense, so I don't have a clue what you intented to express with its use.

I could be babbling foolishly, but an explaination would be nice.

Blessed with nine.
[n/a] zodiac › SupremeDreamer 5-Feb-04/4:09 AM Reply
Throng- ing rhymes. No one gets the rhyme.
[9] SupremeDreamer 4-Feb-04/9:55 PM Reply
Oh, another thing which I failed to mention earlier:

Its not really much of a pimple.. other than the subject having a romantic context, it is devoid of mis-spelling, trite rhyme schemes, poor use of language, crude humor, and other characteristics usually found in most pimple poems.

It's pretty much a very decent free verse poem, atleast to me.
[n/a] Bachus › SupremeDreamer 4-Feb-04/10:13 PM Reply
Yes, but remember when I ordered that pizza with extra baby? you thought that was decent, and got indigestion?
[9] SupremeDreamer › Bachus 4-Feb-04/10:39 PM Reply
Just tell me what I forgot to notice?.. ;/ I'm faultly and therefor human, be merciful.
[9] NanceXToo 5-Feb-04/2:07 PM Reply
what can I say. Love your writing. Another great piece. (Er, can someone tell me just what a "pimple" is? LOL Thanks in advance). zodiac, you'd be great in that workshop i mentioned. Not interested...?
[8] Shuushin 5-Feb-04/2:08 PM Reply
spacing makes me a bit screwed up
but then (I was always a bit so)

what does it all mean? I guess I'll have to use your scale of measurement for such things.
[n/a] zodiac › Shuushin 5-Feb-04/2:51 PM Reply
Cute -0- Shuushin. Also cute how thanks to Jeremi you're 8 out of the top 10.
[8] Shuushin › zodiac 5-Feb-04/3:03 PM Reply
(i fixed the zero, heheh) and I'm on the best list because, quite simply, I am one of the best here.

*Certainly* one of the top 20.
[8] Shuushin › Shuushin 5-Feb-04/3:07 PM Reply
HA! I just looked at the top 20 - yep. That's a little skewed!

But I figure there's a few that actually deserve to be up there. The ones that are there, if they are not among the best on poemranker, they are, at least, the best that I can muster (though I personally wouldn't put them in that particular order).

It will correct itself and I'll maybe have a couple few left there.
[10] lastobelus › Shuushin 5-Feb-04/3:30 PM Reply
henh? at the current rate of voting -- and assuming no more ranking wars broke out twixt the eversquabbling inmates -- it would take years for the best & worst lists to stop showing the hendrinos/rockmage/cristallaneswift effect. (That's not in any way intended as a comment on the quality of your pomes, which I consider to be high.)
[8] Shuushin › lastobelus 5-Feb-04/6:12 PM Reply
Nah, seriously - the list morphs hither and thither.

And thank you.
[10] lastobelus 5-Feb-04/3:44 PM Reply
I tried to find something to nitpick on this pome, but I can't (I'm not sure why I'm the only one who thinks it's a 10)

Last line is killer.

Ok, I found my nitpick, but it's only a personal preference: I prefer wouldn't to couldn't. I think your narrator's more a wouldn't leave than a couldn't leave.
[n/a] zodiac › lastobelus 5-Feb-04/3:47 PM Reply
You have an uncanny insight into the minds of assistant producers. And if I change it, rockmage will probably up his vote. Hmmm...
[n/a] Goad › lastobelus 5-Feb-04/5:10 PM Reply
he means he identifies with the narrator so he wants it changed to make him sound nobler to himself.
[9] <~> 22-Apr-04/11:10 PM Reply
well done.

little things here and there to be enjoyed:

half-empty glass,

the broken record ( and the hiss
and catch and hiss of your breathing like an old song),

to shake you awake, call it quits,

So I kiss
your damp hair thinking you'll wake late from this
dead sleep, and maybe tell me what it was
about me I ought to have noticed all along.

[10] thepinkbunnyofdoom 25-Apr-04/10:10 PM Reply
Pimple? Borderline, a Masterpiece
[10] Signature 21-May-04/12:57 AM Reply
Captivating and satisfying. You get a gold star for today.
[8] Shuushin 21-May-04/3:45 AM Reply
eh. I thik you did some wrong things in here on purpose, but its popular; generated lots of interest and votes - so 3 points for that.
[0] daniella 25-Jul-04/3:10 PM Reply
are you asthmatic too?
[n/a] frdup717 29-Jul-04/2:57 PM Reply
a pimple?
to me it sounded like waking up
and realizing that your life isn't what you thought it was.
or....it could just be about a pimple.:)lol (j/k)
very good i enjoyed it!