poemranker ::Deja Blue by RosiePosie

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Free verse № 93

Deja Blue

Member since 2001 · Posted 16 Mar 2002 · 3 comments

swatting flies lazy summer heat I was fifteen nothing to do watching the weeds blister sat on the trampoline out back, black searing heat beneath me boredom pounding freedom knocking you strolled by impossible grace for such heat with your baseball cap and sandy hair brought the beach to me showed me how the waves crash unavengeful now I sit here think of the beach see you blowing in the wind somewhere know I?m not the same

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mean 6.18 weighted 6.18 rank 1016 views 158 View voting details →

39 votes so far. Yours would make 40.39 votes so far

3 comments

[3] anonymous 12-Jun-01/3:56 PM Reply
pretty. I think it could use more flow in the lines -- it's too stocatto for my taste.
[3] anonymous 19-Jun-01/1:44 AM Reply
has a very personal feel -- the mention of the trampoline I think. Ditch "boredom poundnig/freedom knocking". Beach image doesn't link to the trampoline image. Beach/sex, fine. But too odd following trampoline. Also, beach/sex is kind of a tired metaphor, except for "the waves crash/unavengeful". Not sure if I like that or not. Would have to see the rewrite.
[3] anonymous 4-Apr-02/1:33 PM Reply
clean voice, nice. nostalgic.