nentwined14 Sep 2003

certainly you've removed the informative. somewhat. your imagery has me solidly confused (a black lump of oxygenated carbon). I can't really feel "a snow cone melting on summer's day" (hmm; nitpick: it should either be "in summer's day" or "on a summer's day"). I can feel "a slow trickle of organs", but don't think it has the tone you're going for? [[rather sublime and gross it is, an interesting idea, but... out of place]]

really don't get what a "frosting freeze" would be. or what's reaching and what's being touched.

("to far gone" should be "too far gone")

the second stanza has seeds of something, if there was a better flow to it; and the last stanza brings it crashing down, in my opinion. done done done.