bravo. and i do like the double meaning that Paul pointed out.

i kind-of like the internal rhyme and the blunt insight of the last two lines. the first line is grammatically a bit strange.

first two lines are superb. last breath is a bit cliche. excellent overall effort.

slightly morbid. but good.

well that's obvious.

could be the story of a teenagers life these days. thoughtful.

it's sad that it's so true. well written though.

Seems like a very dark thought you're having. Well written and haunting. Reminds me of Rodin's sculptures.

You're getting pretty good at these. I see a dual meaning with the word "patient." Intended?

young are innocent middle aged commit the sins elders pay penance

there is such a dreadful certainty here - I like that

you could cut this a bit - drop some of the filler words, tighten it up. Not sure where you are going with it - abuse is the only real image I can get...

If there is a riddle here - I can't get it...Hidden messages in poems work the best when not even hinted at...I find the flow a bit messy too...but you got me curious???

go do what ALChemy said - you can tell a story, but force it unnaturally into rhyme. Try free versing this - I bet it will surprise you

where is the unusual? What is it that defines this couple and their lives as being unusual? The story is not so different to everyone's apart from the fact that it's happening to them -

win,win we die in this victory what we lost in this misery the happiness we lose or win only lose,lose we fall in this failure that we could understand better some lose ,some win so what's american dream ?

i enjoy reading it, it definately has a happy feeing to it.

it seems slightly repetitave, and overall sad, but it's something that a lot of people can relate to.

sobriety anniversary, perhaps, but i do not think so. maybe a bout of mental illness, but minor, like seasonal defective disorder. or maybe just allergies. anyhow, this could be more subtle in the way it is written and the rhyming is too forced, in my opinion. not all poetry needs to have an even meter and rhyme pattern; simple, effective groupings of words often convey a more powerful/clear message.

It's so hard to be clear; why would anyone try to be unclear.