| Re: Lisa's Song by horus8 |
richa 81.178.226.183 |
12-Feb-04/7:57 AM |
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Apart from verses 4 and 6 which are a little lighweight, this really packs a lot of stuff into its lines.
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| Re: A Cacodemon's Sermon [Revised Edition] by Y2kSlamPoet |
richa 81.178.226.183 |
12-Feb-04/7:53 AM |
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A little long, and the end almost collapses into politikspeak. Good through - the first verse is my favourite.
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| Re: His Master's Jodhpurs by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. |
New Life Drug 67.116.240.77 |
11-Feb-04/6:15 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
xxx 68.165.172.185 |
11-Feb-04/6:39 PM |
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Certainly fits the title.
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| Re: i need a title by That One |
horus8 24.126.116.54 |
11-Feb-04/10:51 PM |
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A title's the least of your worries, I'm afraid.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
horus8 24.126.116.54 |
11-Feb-04/10:53 PM |
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Like Dots, the chewing never ends.
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| Re: Lisa's Song by horus8 |
SupremeDreamer 204.31.169.109 |
12-Feb-04/1:07 AM |
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-as our tunnel ends with train-
with train? "with a train"? I'm confused. ;/
But other than that, sound cool- when are you going to make the mp3?
Blessed with ten.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
SupremeDreamer 204.31.169.109 |
12-Feb-04/3:09 AM |
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You could really improve this piece I think. You've drawn the outlines and lightly colored the edges...
Give your creation some spicin electric life-colors from the psychedelic rainbow, would ya? Please?
Blessed with five.
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| Re: Nowhere but now by phbiscuit |
SupremeDreamer 204.31.169.109 |
12-Feb-04/3:14 AM |
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I like the poem.. but not the linebreaks.. Might I suggest linebreaking it this way?:
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Nowhere but now
here with these last few hours
and this setting sun
by the drinking trees
soaking the breath and
the minutes like water
for life falling and failing
these summer-soft moments
throwing us back to the grass-bed
holding on where we know we will
never be again
with dew drops growing beside
and beneath the forms we have sunk
into the bent-sole grass for these last few
failing hours.
----
Blessed with eight.
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| Re: Lasting Forever by angel_uy |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
12-Feb-04/3:45 AM |
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convincingly conveyed hope.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
hatedestruction 167.196.165.205 |
12-Feb-04/6:12 AM |
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| Re: i need a title by That One |
richa 81.178.213.250 |
12-Feb-04/8:18 AM |
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Third line get rid of just
Spell realitye correctly
And try and make the final four lines make sense.
In terms of a title - find a theme in the poem, or write a startling image. That could be used as the title.
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| Re: Sweet Goodbye by ashley |
richa 81.178.226.155 |
12-Feb-04/8:24 AM |
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Too many pop cliches
- to you... you do
- crazy in love -
- love is real -
- laidback style - so naff it would appear in a blue song.
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| Re: Spare Change by andrewjthomas |
Nicholas Monson 193.114.111.10 |
12-Feb-04/8:31 AM |
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cryptic, clever, technically proficient and accomplished. Great
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| Re: Nowhere but now by phbiscuit |
richa 81.178.197.46 |
12-Feb-04/11:37 AM |
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Good, short lines are always difficult as the break should serve a purpose.
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| Re: Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. |
akidnamedkev 141.155.142.201 |
12-Feb-04/3:53 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
xxx 68.165.172.185 |
12-Feb-04/4:53 PM |
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A little inspiration can be all it takes
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
capachijim 24.164.141.30 |
12-Feb-04/5:02 PM |
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| Re: Upon the Battlefield by cleverdevice |
jasondingus 66.208.141.92 |
13-Feb-04/3:17 AM |
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| Re: Sweet Goodbye by ashley |
jasondingus 66.208.141.92 |
13-Feb-04/3:22 AM |
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