Re: For Lauren by BiggRobb	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:29 AM
Needs a few clues as to what actions were wrong
Re: it's all quite obviously one big joke by somemorepoetry	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:35 AM
A human life is six feet deep is not very subtle, and water licks the concrete I would associate with the shallow end (certainly not the deep end only). Other than that very good, especially the flow and line breaks.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:38 AM
stain, moves house to house? Do you have a mobile you hang on the lampshade? And it is not a stain but a shadow. Yes? The last couple of lines are funny
Re: The Thomas Brown Affair by SupremeDreamer	sliver 63.190.97.211	16-Dec-03/6:45 AM
Long Time Gone
Re: Rebel Spirits by miraclemaker	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:46 AM
good this, my favourite lines being: 'unfortunate in their isolation/of any form of education.' and 'beating immigrants with broken English'
Re: water damage by skaskowski	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:49 AM
good play with words, needs more though
Re: high school tragedy number six by FreeFormFixation	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:50 AM
kill crimson
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:52 AM
jigsaw surely, could do with a dictionary though, the spelling is offputting (unless it is some anti-war message).
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/6:59 AM
The art upon your face is too vague. Art can be elephant dung paintings, a pickled cow, a picasso!! Scrap I embrace my own body, it distracts the ready. A pleasant fuzzy tone though
Re: Fear by BiggRobb	sliver 63.190.80.109	16-Dec-03/7:03 AM
Felt the worst? not too bad Robb, it could stand to flow more smoothly I think.
Re: bonsai by richa	sliver 63.190.80.192	16-Dec-03/7:06 AM
I can see the picture you've painted, but why a hacksaw? What metal is he cutting?
Re: bonsai by richa	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	16-Dec-03/7:45 AM
Lots of really nice imagery. I like the sun cradled by branches and ref. to crossed legs of a cow - nice way to express that black branches white body thing birches do. Maybe "calf" would express a thinner body?? At first I thought it was "crow", and I liked that for different reasons (easy way to show lots of small branches) - so, an option, I guess (I might use that!). Hacksaw? Though you may be expressing a sarcstic point of view, universally bonsai refers to growing a plant or a tree in a dish or shallow pot (thats what the word means) - so, I'm having trouble with the title. Forgive my rambling (again), but I could live with the title if the ranger were to make a very small cut with clippers or something, even on a full sized tree - in this way you could keep all of your well-made scenery. Hey, maybe add a modifier to the title to compensate for the context?
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/8:07 AM
Like the first three verses. Interesting, seems to be alluding to the perception of an artist - the surreal (L2) and abstract (the sunset in L8) becoming synonymous, so too dreams (L1) and the painting of a sunset. Of course if you replaced real with natural world, then it would not be an artists painting at all.
Re: bonsai by richa	richa 81.178.235.140	16-Dec-03/8:09 AM
changed the hacksaw in edit
Re: bonsai by richa	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	16-Dec-03/8:23 AM
loose the "his" and make a change to "corrects a branch" (singular is more powerful here, methinks; adds to the implied perfection)
Re: If you have a god complex buy a mustang! by Y2kSlamPoet	Everyone 81.128.206.201	16-Dec-03/10:43 AM
dung
Re: The Thomas Brown Affair by SupremeDreamer	Everyone 81.128.206.201	16-Dec-03/11:11 AM
Any of the following titles will be fine: Flatulent Zombie III Risen Dung Astro-turd The Brown Awakening Soiled Ambulations The Thomas Brown Affair
Re: bonsai by richa	horus8 24.126.116.54	16-Dec-03/2:27 PM
Well at least someone around here is enjoying themselves.
Re: If you have a god complex buy a mustang! by Y2kSlamPoet	horus8 24.126.116.54	16-Dec-03/2:29 PM
You sure have a way of inventing your own niche.
regarding some deleted poem...	horus8 24.126.116.54	16-Dec-03/2:32 PM
Yeah, that'll work.