kingit
on some deleted poem
31 Oct 2003, 12:04 AM
cute ballade, poeme, what have you...an storie?
This would be better without the arbitrary indentation and line breaks.
Why not direct it into fashioning the world's largest sausage kiev and hiding inside it until you suffocate?
Could be about twins seperated at birth, but meeting in later life.
Could be about two soul mates growing up apart, but destined to be together.
Could be the idea of physical growth versus growth in perception
I think the alliteration loses its power as it is overdone.
Stapled/disabled rhyme sounds a bit odd.
I like the second verse, and the third verse (although v3 took a few rereads).
Yep overall pretty good, lively.
Some nice lines 'not even a clark' 'won't fill a cup'
Not sure the poem hangs together though, loose ended like a hydra.
Why do you start the poem out with “For”? Why not just “Under”. Shadow "laid" like a spring? Maybe we have the whole pond difference going on, but a spring over here usually involves 1) water 2) water coming from some sort of pure source, usually way above where the farm animals or any animals for that matter, defecate 3) hot water bubbling up from the depths (i.e. hot spring) for the delight of old people to bathe in. So in no way, over here that is, can I possible see any form of spring crating a shadow. Good god man: Make sense. Oh, and what an awkward use of the semi colon. After the first stanza the acne clears up a bit, but the looking over the birches at the willow tree just doesn’t do it for me.
You write like Richa, except in this case you make more sense.
Pick 4 of the "what good" lines and expound on each one at a time. Stretch the exposition out to 6 lines.
Total 28 lines. You have too many questions and you've overworked your point.
If Jesus truly is omniclever and incapable of telling lies, then I'll wager my last remaining buttock He won't describe your poemes as "good". In Heaven, by definition, it is illegal to write poetry like this. Having said that, this piece was hauntingly beautiful. I particularly liked the lines "What good is my gaze in the trees" and "What good is this breath that I spout". 10.
Do you always take a dump with "Friends and family around"?
Oh, I see, yes. There are inspired, creative, truly free souls in the world, like you, and then there are the people who try to hold them down and make them conform to the rules of a cruel society for which they were never meant. Pefectly, sublimely beautiful.
I saw this episode - repeats already?
Ah, the infamous seven move chess opener.The difference between HMO chess players and PPO chess players. That deserves ten floggings with icy Pacific kelp.
An umbrella is needed for that type of ganglia exposure.
This has a heady density of language and a fantastic theme that is dying to be cultivated.
As it sits, it's quite memorable - but I think with some pruning (sorry for the cliche, but more showing instead of telling), and a stronger sense of Structure this thing would be exceptionally powerful.
cool poem, makes me want to go take a nap, too much running for me
Haunting. Provocative. Nude. Perhaps you would enjoy my poeme "GOODBYE TO MEAT". http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Please tell which one are you ? www.tommys-bookmarks.com