Shape hold art tight Shape hold art tight Shape hold art tight Shape hold art tight was my favourite part.

Disturbing visuals, and the style's a little raw, but good.

eh. kind of grossed me out - all that blood and seared flesh.

jest wait a cotton-pickin minute mister - what the hell does wizard rhyme with?? Huh? Splain that. the third one is very nice (just darling).

very nice :-D

Dung bore.

I'm sorry - these overused telegraphed rhymes just don't work for me. Its almost a characature of a bad song. My face is all scrunched up trying to decode what an "upbeat sad song" is exactly. You've got two tens so maybe i'm missing something - can my taste be that far off?

Has a nice hooky first two stanzas, then the wandering begins. By the end, it's vapor. A suit wearing a man - I really think its fixable though since there are some nice images in there.

i'm pretty confused myself, good poem

I really like this bit, "My beatrice, boots and hairflick, hint of orange hung in the air" but somehow I'm hearing fall imagery with apple trees and leaves - the orange - and I realize you prolly mean the color. Orange without the right context leaves me with a citrus flavor; distinctly floridian/summer - Looses me (umber, gold, copper maybe). "the leaf in her step" line trips me up too, yet adds to the fall motif. the thing that's gone in seconds - is that her beauty? With that unclear, the thing grown with the longing then shaped until stone (I associate bronze with forging, btw - maybe incorrectly). So, there are a few things I personally like about it, ("apple-tree and spruce fences" is very nice too) - but the mixed metaphors, some verb usages (laid, leaf) hurt the rest. Fine, have a contrast in elements, but give me a clear transition (preferably one that isn’t parenthetical).

Dalia – its an interesting piece with some good hooks – I think it needs some structure changes though. this is one thought: “finally our voices intermingled after several long months apart like rays of sun through the frozen rain” then another: your strange marriage you know you are walking a fine line between your love and earthly desires keeping me at arm's length and so on. I think if you break them out and flesh them out they piece will be better for it. You might even find there are two separate poems here. Some of the not so subtle sexual metaphors can be toned down a bit too, btw.

Lovely sentiment. I give it an 8.

Does not do it.

Like the boots and hairflick thingy. 23.657

This seems more silly than ironic. Still it is well written.

Like a good bowel movement?

nope

Evidently with so many questions,,, not good.

Love the way you lose all the discipline at the end and just blurt out what a twisted wizard he is. Fine depiction of repression

Seems a good last thing to me. 22.4431