newdawnfades
on As It Is by Miggy
29 Oct 2003, 9:44 AM
Doesn't quite flow as smoothly as it could. It could be better.
You must have an actual mental disability to keep churning out exactly the same song over 30 times.
eh
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
Piffle.
Hmmmm... great idea. I'm really into random references which communicate the image or idea, so this is my favoite kind of lyric/poetry. That said, I'm certain the lead in was just something you came up with, at the time, to get yourself going. It lacks the integrity, vision, and sweetness of the other components. Also wouldn't it be better to be more specific about the time frame of kennedy's death? Instead of 'when' to say 'the day...' 'the year...' etc. It's ecstasy not extasy. My first impression was that I understand this and I like the way you put it together, traveling through those post-wwII television ideals and showing the reader how many light-years far they are from the reality of living and being.
There is something about this poem that makes it work! The words fit together almost like a trail, one word leading to the next. Great job!
It's two people's hearts.
Sweet as pie. Unfortunately the rainbows send this zooming to Over-The-Top Ville. Again, my first impression was just kind of ahhhhhh... that's gentle + tender, and I'm all for that sort of thing. Does it really make 'all of life a single moment'?
'the only thing I know how to do/ is keep on keeping on/ like a bird that flew/ tangled up in blue'
Bob Dylan.
At least your influences are getting better.
I think you should try write something that does not rhyme. See where it takes you.
'Making love to grow a child' is a rather interesting line, seems so unsentimental.
Then 'two peoples hearts grow twice the size' is unabashedly OTT romantic.
Two nice lines but somewhat at odds I think.
The bit about life a single moment is a bit trite, what comes before it does not convince.
Don't just say 'vivid dreams' 'memories flashing.
Tell!
Yes nice flow, reads like a conversation.
Perhaps some of the lines need examining though,
like 'insanity looming close' how would you know?
meow
I would go with "Mr. Tiddles last breath" as a title.
My prophetic soul! Remember I was bitching about how dry lake Arrowhead was ('Lake Arrowhead' Oct 19th, 2003)?
Good capture. Even in LA it looks like the fucking apocalypse, I can't imagine being at the place where the heart of the fire would be (if it had one).
The true secret behind lesbians.
I'm afraid for talentless cretins who have to write things in lower case to satisfy themselves that their worthless poetry is profound enough.
[X] Arbitrary line breaks
[X] Shit