xxx
on some deleted poem
17 Oct 2003, 2:18 AM
"A very sad song,” I whispered to me.
Somehow the imagery did not flow 'right' for me. I have no advice as to how to make it do so.
Way too bland!
Gayness
Perhaps a little extreme at times, but I agree wholeheartedly with the underlying sentiment. Well done!
If Jesu offered you the choice of being gay and having your ass sent to HELL, or of being gay and having your whole body sent to HELL, which would you choose, bearing in mind that walking around heaven without an ass would make you look extremely foolish? (2 marks)
Very revealing. Dire camel makes me shudder.
I like the sounds in this alot.
Couple things to consider: delete "up" (it's covered with "phallically")
Tell me what kind of trees are looming.
That second stanza, in particular, has a nice groove.
Nice wordplay 'limonade and I share white russian'
Beer that eats like a meal is a nice idea too
cast a spell and gaping ears are a bit cliche.
Like the furrowed brow your borrowed frown is burrowing down wordplay
'Lay the bones of lovers, dancing side by side
Separately in boxes.'
is a nice punchy line to end on
More ironic if she was not true, and neither was the gun, you aiming the gun at youself and shooting her.
'I got a gun for my fist' (to replace my fist I read rather than to hold) is a cool line
rhyming imagine with fathom is clever.
I have a problem with the triple rhyme, it seems to surprise me every time I read it, it seems unnatural
I don't think you should rhyme flee with see, it seems so forced.
Cute no doubt,
the only real drawback is it lacks ambition, it does not really give a killer insight.
8. I would like to see this dance. work it, rockman. make it rock.
no comment
You've outdone yourself with this grouped trio R.G.
Kicks ass.
Excellent.
I wouldn't feel right if I didn't give my opinion here.
Please take no offense.
s-1 gentle embrace- find something better
s-2 lose the (but)
I don't like "Moon river" If kthat was what was playing, keep it.
one too many commas in the closing I think.
Still ,an 8.
Take what you like and dump the rest. Or dump it all.