scitz
on museheart is internationally published by scitz
9 Sep 2003, 9:27 AM
(speliing mistake intentional to go wiv me bad powertry)
It is called "the dozens".
Last two couplets are too 'mushy'. The first two are rather good. I like the semi-surreal quality
Ten, because I'm a horndog.
the ex-foli-ate sounds a bit like a dalek, and I am not sure many rock stars could sing a song about exfoliation with a straight face, but as a poem I like it.
'we undercut ourselves' and 'thorny blooms' are my favourite bits.
I enjoyed it. These two lines:
"it becomes the uninvited
unwieldy hands bring winterâs chill"
seem to need a "who" or "that" to be clear.
Well, you know I gotta give this a ten, not because I'm Columbian, but because I'm a werewolf'e.
if you wanna learn how to backstab see: http://www.livejournal.com/users/nentwin
Purple Y fronts with brown spots and go fast stripes at the side (but that's just me)
the use of words like latent and vale sound a little dated and poetry by numbers. And as this has a didactic style it is difficult in parts to connect to.
Like this poem overall, the varied use of language is refreshing
yes, teams of editors tend to pick 'competition' style poems that noeone will argue too much about. Editors just distill.
Anyway I will rank your poem later, what score do you want?
this poems major problem is that it is so dull.
If you could fit something interesting into the nicely constructed verses it would be OK.
vis a vis the last line, am I to believe that usually the only way you get so much 'glee' is if you have more than one girl?
Perhaps, dearlink, but with the pants you wear, you still have to make sure you've got your coat behind you every time you sit down...
I herebty promise not to defile you.
you're making me hungry. or is that the smell of my roommeates pancakes?
'atonic lips' and other such rare usage words are not really needed.
The best parts of this poem are the little insights:
the dead mans plant (old people tend to live longer if they are given a plant to look after by the way)
the he is good 'adjusted'
the alms house, that looking after the old is 'charity' and not the responsibility of everyone.
a good piece
Is this a rewrite, seems like I've seen part of it before. Nice job.
Last line could be "Should this go further." Otherwise, I'll have you know. I think it's very good. As always.
Nice.
And why would they?