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on A Mod Proposal (of Modest Proportions) by coolassbob
21 Aug 2003, 7:24 AM
funny. but i dinna see a proposal herein.
and what wavelength are you on?
This sounds like some manic persons conversation.
Very inventive
Good this, nice use of language.
The last line was funny, but 'rusting ass'?
well set up
i'll bet georges liked his peas.
i wonder what he drank?
shall i call you ismael?
i think you mean subscribe:
I do not _subscribe_ to a strict code of ethics.
what the fuck are you babbling about?
"disguised by fate, brought together by immortal
suffering"
ok.. cute.. that really adds a cherry to the whole thing.. and your title is shit.
heres a 3
Stay thee away.
nice one shakespear.. i really liked the ending, i think it was the best part of the whole poem.
heres a 2
It was good up to the point where you had to deliver the 'message'. Then it was a yawn.
Here are two facts.
1. A man with three kids never hops out of a toyota,
he slowly slides.
2. A man that dreams of murder? Does not love or stay with a cheating whore. He moves on to his dreams, and better things... Like MURDERING.
JB--wow, you really know how to beat a syllable into the ground. the bellicose repetition is very hard to get past. next time you sit at the keyboard, tuck that blunt instrument you call a rhyming dictionary back into the bookcase. it's gotta be tattered by now.
Stupid fucking idiots canât appreciate individuality. Poems donât have to be about pretty flowers and happy thoughts. Writing is a form of expression and I think your writing is awesome because I get a feel of what youâre feeling. Your words are piercing and I truly enjoy reading your work. Donât let these fuck turds discourage you.
Note: Creative Criticism is about helping the writer get better at his/her form of writing. When you just put a writer down you do nothing to enhance their talent.
My heart bleeds black blood,
blood that I can taste,
Nice line. I like when people write and realize poetry isnât about rhyming. Your words flow freely and when read aloud seem like no other words can fit next to each other.
Yo Dreamster,
This is really nice work. I'm not sure I'd classify it as poetry but it had all the elements of a well thought out, mature, and meaningful story. I think the perspective offered in this piece is on the money and PROFOUND. Good work. -9-
good this nice original language and follows the metaphor through well.
But 'my bent emotions' not sure about that
Good, quite political I think, but does not descend into a rant because the language is fresh and original.
Not good.
Interesting story, well put accross.
Not sure about the know it all tramp though. The bit about the adultress and stuff sounds a little 'dawsons creek.'
And portraying the tramps life as happy and contented I find a bit strange. But the comparison between the two is rather good.
It could just as easily be about the remorse of toyota man thinking what he had compared to the tramp.
anyway good piece
quite a packed poem here
not sure about the parentheticals though
what want ?? er.. perhaps a typo?..
over all the poems vague, it doesnt make much sense to me. I think you need to cook this slightly longer. I'll give my vote later.
nice work.. just one thing bugs me:
Whose cradling caring grip
take the word caring and toss it into a trashcan.. its useless filler.. that makes the line weak.. it made my eyes sore..
blessed with nine
i do not understand your line breaks.